Theiving Theiving tsk tsk tsk

May 16, 2006 at 12:28 am (Uncategorized)

Some asshole from Canada (I have his IP if you want it) just totally ripped off one of my blogs. My blog was titled "Games we play; Anyone up for a little candyland? " and here is the link to his blog which with the exception of a few word omissions is practically identical to mine.

Here is his profile

I suggest everyone get a tracker on their site and watch for this ip.

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baking and other rituals that require your attention

May 15, 2006 at 7:18 pm (Uncategorized)

There is a man in my life by imagination only.

The rest on their way out by the force of my retaliation. I retaliate against the wrong word and the wrong action. The wrong decision and the wrong gesture in my presence or my wake. I change like the day changes with the passing hours of the light. It can be swift; but it is more likely sure and constant in the one direction he unwittingly pushes me in. At first light of the following rise of the sun Ill be gone like you didn’t know you wanted me to be. But you do, I know this as gospel and your actions/nonactions/intentions/unintentions tell me all I need to know. They speak of a blue-eyed, blonde woman allover your cyberspace dangling your violent hand before my face like a joke in the wind and with the cobra’s strike it makes at my heart, my tolerance and willingness to care, I bid you a fond adieu. And I wish you happiness with her or whomever it is that is keeping your time until she comes around.

There is a hope in my life by imagination only

There is a broken heart in these hands. Once it split in two. Again on another occasion one half was cut like a wedding cake and off went one slice, eaten by its possessor and shared with keeper of his love, not me. And this time I did not begrudgingly loose my frosting but rather I scraped it off and handed it over, never to be seen again.

There is a love in my life by imagination only

Im left with a cake that is old, dry and crumbly. I have to halves; one missing all its frosting, the other missing a slice. It was once shaped like a heart I think. Shiny, plump and full. But perhaps love is best when its been worn like a favorite old shoe. Perhaps someone is missing the pieces I have and I hold the ones they don’t. Maybe we can fashion a new cake out of our pieces and make art, abstract and beautiful. Maybe we wont ever eat it. We can just look at it in awe, this thing we made together, and hope it lasts a little while longer….

There is a space in my life held open by imagination only

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May 15, 2006 at 10:41 am (Uncategorized)

I just…dont know where Im at. I feel really odd today. Im aware of some things that I’ve been refusing to look at for some time, Im practicing some knew things I have needed to for an even longer time. I speculating on some things. Im reflecting on some things. Im feeling some things. Im wondering about some things. Im trying to be proactive about some things and some others Im trying not to deal with right now because it seems my dealing with them dont help the situation. Im trying to relinquish control of those things because I just want to hold on so tight and Im suffocating myself. Im learning to let go and Im practicing not allowing myself suicidal thoughts. This is where I’ve been all week. It takes some kind of effort for me to NOT allow myself to indulge in those thoughts about ending my life. Its like a favorite masochistic pastime of mine and it really puts me in a horrible place that’s incredibly difficult for me to crawl out of. Its weird because I realized that I do this when I get to a place in life where I feel stuck, that I cant go further or do anything more; that my next obstacle is insurmountable so instead of finding a way to overcome it, I create an obstacle I know how to deal with, and that takes a good chunk of my time and life to do, which is crawl back from the dark place I like to send myself when I cant move forward so I dont have to deal with it yet. I have to stop this. Its so counterproductive and scary. I mean seriously one of these times Ill actually do it, then where will I be? Fucked! Ill be dead. Then Ill have to start all over and to be honest with you I dont think I could handle another run through the teens. I need to create some breathing room for myself. I need to create a space to expand. I need to try to emerge from my center and unite the parts of me that are not in synch. I need to relax in order to do this. I mean relax so I can gather my strength and wits so I can actually move forward instead of sideways all the time. The things Im so focused on require inspiration not overtime. They need cultivation not force. They need freedom to move not control. They need guidance not dictation. My dreams. My dreams that have become so resistant to me and so elusive. My wants and needs which have followed suit, howl at me in the night from distant places I can not see or find. All that keeps me going now is that I know we reside under the same moon, we…are not in separate worlds, so I know it is possible to meet them. I just have no idea how to do it. So this week instead of trying to feel familiar and put myself behind an obstacle labeled suicidal depression Ill just stand here in the not knowing and try to keep my feet on the ground. Im really gonna try to listen to myself about this while I take baby steps forward and wait for the answer I really desperately need. I dont want to fail. This is my fear. That I might…not make it. That I may have to settle for a lesser life, that I would maybe give up and, It scares the hell out of me. I get resentful that I have no one in my life to offer encouragement but me, (me, who is not the best at this I dont think). I feel angry and petulant sometimes that I have no mentor; no one to look up to; no one reminding me that I can do it and to stay focused. No one ever to make me feel like they care or that it is important what I do. But I realize that most people dont have this and I need to get over it and be that for myself. I want out from underneath this blanket of self pity and the weight of it which strangles me. Its hard not to rest on my laurels or make excuses for my shortcomings because my life was shitty. And while it may have been, and…it was…it makes no sense to let the rest of it be shitty. Im just confused and lost and I want to do the right thing for myself. Do right by myself. Sometimes I have to learn the basics. I hate having to start at the basics. Oh well. If I must I must. It humbling for me to admit that I do where my life as the chip on my shoulder. I like to think Im so past that but Im not. I say, “I cant because look what happened to me” way more often than is comfortable for me to admit. Its humiliating but its true and I need to face it if I want to stop. Instead of smoking/drinking/sex/ or eating cookies I need to sit in it and let it process itself. Its uncomfortable. Its uncomfortable to let go of my excuse it protects me from the fear of a challenge. It keeps me sitting pretty with a table full of shit I hate about myself but at least I dont have to wonder what might happen. I know the results of all that stuff already. If I overeat Ill get fat and Ill have something to work towards that’s easier for me, ie weight loss. If I smoke I know I have to work towards quitting and which is so trying that I cant focus on anything else until I conquer that which takes years by the way. If I sleep with everyone Im so out of my mind that I cant think about anything or care either. If I get drunk then Ill can pretend I dont care. Its all in the name of avoidance, and to be truthful Im not entirely sure of all the things Im avoiding. I mean I know the tip of many of them but most of its so buried I have no freakin clue what it is. So anyway… Here we go on another journey through the insides. I hope this time I emerge more productive than I’ve been.
Wish me luck.

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May 12, 2006 at 10:20 pm (Uncategorized)

Its official…Im depressed. Im having quite a but of anxiety and I think Im on the brink of a nervous breakdown. I think I may even need to take a visit somewhere. Im getting to be a little out there. Im becoming like one of those weird lonely people who talk to themselves and their imaginary friends. Yep, this is it. Ill have to end it soon.
I think Im addicted to eating. Not food in particular. The act of putting something in my mouth, chewing, then swallowing. Ive noticed lately that I have a terrible time not eating. I eat and then a few hours later I have to eat again. I feel nervous if I dont eat. I feel upset and agitated. I wake up in the middle of the night and I eat. I hate it. I feel like Im a slave to food. Whats funny about it is the type of food I want. Typically cheese, meat, bread; things I can chew on. I think Ive associated stress relief with an oral thing. I hate it, I want to not eat. I hate to eat. I hate that I cant skip meals. I hate that when the internal buzzer goes off its time and thats it. I need some help with this before it gets out of hand. I feel very frustrated that it has become a thing. I plan my meals. I think about what Im going to eat. Sometimes I cant wait to eat. Sometimes I overeat. I hate this. I dont want to have this problem. I hate it. Im not overweight but I dont like my weight. Im not happy with how I look. Im uncomfortable with my tummy. Im uncomfortable with the fact I always need food. I wonder where and how Ive associated eating with relief because this is essentially the problem. Ive got it tied to relief and pleasure. I need relief all the time from what? I need pleasure constantly from there because I dont really get it anywhere else. I resent my body for doing things I dont like. I resent it for looking, acting, and feeling in ways I dont like. What must I have been in my last life? I also notice some shame and embarrassment coming up for this behavior. Hmmmm But how do I alleviate it? How do I let my body get to normal? How can I be in control of this phenomenon without trying to control it? Why do I feel this way? What am I avoiding? How can I continue to exist inside this skin if i hate being in my body? I always feel hot in my mouth. I always feel warm in my skin I dont like this. I feel like I might come out of my skin now. This isnt working. I think Im loosing it. I just cant take his anymore. I just cant.
Im going for a walk.

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No one comes for me; no not yet

May 11, 2006 at 7:12 pm (Uncategorized)

And I say there is a hole in me. One Ive spent my entire life trying to mend. There were times I thought perhaps I had found my missing link, my missing piece, only to find that I had not; instead in its elusive place I stumble upon what makes me take more notice of its absense. The illusion of its possibility.
Many times I seek to find and instead I find nothing. I find nothing that fits. Nothing that feels right. Nothing that eases the emptiness inside me. Nothing that leads me to myself any further than Ive come on my own. And I trust no guide. I recieve no news I dont already know. I receive no gifts after which I chase because I am not challenged by the things I encounter. I am seeking one who is stronger than I. I hope I find them before apathy takes me forever.
In my life there is no one who is stronger than me. No person who knows themself as well. No person who can stand for themselves much less me.
I am a runner this I know. It is the one who can stop me who I am waiting for. The one strong enough to take my wrath and the truths that come with it that I will stay for. I think Ill know it when I see it.
Today I had a interesting day. I long to have a person to tell it to. I long to share something with this person whom I hope is on their way. I had no one to tell about the things I did today. About what happened to me. I have no one who would understand it anyway. So much like all other days I tell it to myself in words on paper. I tell it to invisible faces reading my blogs. I tell it to my reflection in the mirror and I just show the rest of the world the limited version of who I am. Because they dont understand.
I feel alone. I feel restless. I feel like this is the path I chose and I feel lost. I wonder if Ill accomplish my dreams. I wonder if I can. I wonder what it must be like to have anyone care if I do. I wonder what it would be like if I still did. At this point Im left to wonder why I am here and what the hell am I supposed to do. I havent any focus. Ive lost my vision. I know in times like these there is always a light further along. So Ill wait for mine. Ill keep looking too. I just hope it happens real soon.
I see a million little people a day it seems at work. We talk. I listen to them. I offer encouragement to the best of my ability. I see my wonderful friends who mean well and we talk too. I listen. I encourage them as best I can. I see strangers and sometimes I talk to them too. I listen, I tell them what I see and hear just like everyone else when Im so inclined. I wish someone could tell me.
I wish I chose some other cross sometimes. For it seems as though my life is born solely of my own manifestation at all times. What I want I get. What I see happens. What I intend takes its place and time just as I anticipated. What I dont want typically I dont get. Its all very itnricate truth. The more I know the better at it I get. My problem lies in my fleeting energy to go forward anymore. Do I have it? I dont know. Do I want it? Im not sure. Whats my alternative? I dont know that either. Or rather…I dont feel like typing it.

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Games we play; Anyone up for a little candyland?

May 10, 2006 at 11:07 pm (Uncategorized)

lets say for a moment I was an unavailable person but I had a crush…
lets say that crush and I had a thing until I realized it was almost a real thing then I had to split…
lets say that that crush moved on because of it…but we remained friends because shes objective. Until… I realized she wasnt fucking around, she really had made a decision and stuck to it. Now I know she really likes me still, but her resolve is like steel. This bothers me. I want her attention back on me, but Im faced with a dilema. If I come out and say it, that means I have to be accountable for my future actions and her heart becomes partially my responsibility. Which I cant have because Im unavailable and selfish. So I instead opt to play a game. Become manipulative. Drop subtle hints letting her know I want her without having to say it directly… Im hoping shell bite so I can simply let her decide to fall into bed with me under the very thin guise/implication of my affections. When she does I can be victorious but Im not responsible and I can still justifiably keep dating others, hold a door open for my ex and if I feel like it, leave her.
Now, lets just say this woman happens to be privy to this kind of bull shit; and it doesnt fly, what then instead? Do I own my little play on her heart? Or do I say nothing and try to make her think it is her being ridiculous? hmmmm thereinlies my dilema. Now lets say for a second Ive claimed to be a caring friend of this girl. Ive led her to believe that even though I perhaps make not a good dating parter initially, that I am a devoted acquaitance with nothing but respect for her…So what do I do? Do I let her go or do I redeem myself via confession and an apology?
Please tell me.

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May 9, 2006 at 5:41 pm (Uncategorized)

Its a springtime flower that dies into the winter with a new love
I see her and shes see me and we share a little hate
we share a little thing I call the way we experience you
so she tries to tell me with everything she has
how youre gonna love her betterhow youre gonna be a good man

I say

Put your wagging tongue back between your legs girl
keep it in your heart
hide it less I rip it out
lock it in a hidden place
and stuff it in your mouth

Isnt it a pretty day like summer in the spring
it moves like a little girl
but shes always wandering and
someone comes to bring her love
theyre calling out her name
and he says hes gonna love her better
that its love hes gonna bring

I say

Put your folly tongue back into your mouth boy
keep it where the lies dont grow
Hide it less I rip it out
lock it in a hidden place
and stuff it in your mouth

follow always butterflies into theyre only day
chasing something smells like hope
until it serves you spring
and much like every springtime hum
itll keep you running
flowers, bees, the sun and love
until you see that spring is done

I say

Put your bloody tongue back inside your mouth I say
keep it where the wind wont blow
or carry all the things I hate
Into my winter snow

for now its time for me to sleep
and forget what ive done
while you rest with her beneath my feet
my sorrow will be done

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My 8 personalities

May 9, 2006 at 12:10 pm (Uncategorized)

I have some distinct personalities. All seperate but at the same time they all make up what you see, what you dont see, and what I deal with everyday. I think everyone has these, maybe most not so in touch with them. Ill name them for you…

The Scather, Little Stacy, Teenage Stacy, The Professor, The Victim, The Woman, The Artist, The Good Son and the The Observer. Today were dealing quite a bit with “Scather” so Ill talk about him for a second.

Hes heinous. A slithering, disgusting, spitting, seething, vulgar, hateful, slimy, being. Hes green like envy and hairless with a long slapping tongue, foul breath and a stench like death; filth in his veins and filth in his mind. His skin like seeweed and just as slimy. He has no manners. He has no taste. He wants to offend at any chance he gets. I like to keep him locked up mostly, he gets me into trouble. But hes got my eyes you know…

Sometimes he’s just gross. Other times hes so hateful. Sometimes when hes challenged he morphs and grows into more like a massive demon covered in black soot, fire in his eyes and a voice that’s a force; wicked and eternal. He is powerful and wrong. He gets really frightening sometimes. Mostly when hes up I tend to emabarrass myself, Say things I dont mean, Offend people, Overindulge in shit I shouldnt, horrifyingly loose my temper, or back in my more reckless teenage days Id get into fights. (So lame.) I try really hard not to come into contact with this side of me because I dont like the results I get. But Ive encountered a problem. Ive not really dealt much with my anger. Ive supressed it but I havent really created an outlet for it. I suspect this is were my problems with my voice are resonating. I have trouble when I catch my angry emotions and say “Oh no, where do you think you are going? Get back in there!!!” So Im troubled. How can I be in control of this Scather and his wrath? After all it is just me… Hmmmm, Ill be thinking on this one for a while. Ive always said one must accept all the parts of themselves good and bad, be ok with it to move forward. I didnt realize I was so in denial. I didnt realize how much I sensor this part of me. Dont share him. I mean, why would I hes disgusting. But its me. And I can be vulgar. I do get angry. I do have hideous thoughts. I dont ususally post them. But they happen all the time. Im stumped I dont know what to do. I fear reprisal. I fear rejection. I fear judgement. I fear being repulsive. I fear scaring people. I fear scaring myself. Again I say hmmmmm. All I need do is turn, aim myself somewhere and open my mouth without serious secret agent censorship and out it comes like uncontrolable vomit. So Ive “psychosomatically” clamped my voice in an effort to kill him and hence I keep giving myself nodes. And hes not dead. God damnit. What a realization. Bummer.

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My pops

May 9, 2006 at 2:23 am (Uncategorized)

I was thinking about it tonight and as much as I say Im ok with it I really dont want my Dad to die. Im in a bit of a pinch though because I cant bring myself to call him. Im confused about it and I feel really fucked no matter what I do. He’s my old man, I love him; but hes a prick and Im sick of his shit. If I call I have to put up with it all until its over; a time I can not forsee and his presence is abusive to me. If I dont call, when hes gone I’ll hate myself cause I wasnt dutiful. I love my Dad like all daughters do, Its true. I know in there somewhere he loves me too but I hate being his therapist, his advisor, his mother, his friend. Im none of those things. I only his kid thats it, but to him Im more than that. More than I can be to him when hes been getting loaded and acting foolish. He just takes and takes and thinks the world owes him something. I cant make up for it all. No one can and when hes sober he makes my heart sing because I really do need him so. But the rest of the time hes such an asshole. Hes out of the hospital now. But hell be back in soon Im sure of it. He wont stop his using for long if I know him like I think I do. And I do. I miss the couple years I had with him when he was sober and had a job and he would call me and wed laugh and laugh. He wasnt around when I was young too much and I didnt really begin to speak to him until my twenties but for a little while we had a good thing. Everyone says I look just like him. When I look at myself I dont see it. Maybe Im trying not too. I hope I make the right decision.
Good Night

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May 8, 2006 at 10:21 pm (Uncategorized)

I hear you leaving
I hear the door
Wait I shouldve said
can I come please
maybe of course
do you want something
from the store
Ill be right back
I shouldve said please
can I come…
…Hell be right back
Little thoughts like me
up in the trees
fly high like the clouds in the sky
was I not good
did I misbehave
am I too much in your hands
to stay
I hear the cars outside
I hear the sound
of the silence in the house
I waited all night
I never told
I never said again
please dont leave me
Im only small
please dont go
that night he never came back
left me alone
in that house on the alley
alone to wonder what Id done
to make him hate me so
to make him want to go
to make him forget that I was there
to make me think he didnt care
he left me in that fucking house
no way home and no way out
he doesnt remember now
and I wont say
I love you dad
please stay
now hes 51 years old
hes dying and he sick
I know he wanted me to stay
but I couldnt
not for him
and as I walked on out the door
to go on my way
I heard him whisper

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