September 10, 2005 at 12:15 am (Uncategorized)

Life, love, and lossesCurrent mood: crushedCategory: Romance and RelationshipsI dreamt last night of something that was and is no more. A person that was in my life as is no longer. It just doesnt seem to matter how much time goes by their absense never feels ok. I cried this morning. Feeling him in my dream. Being able to touch him/talk to him…made me never want to get up. So I didnt. I didnt get up to run or to eat. I didnt wake up to shower. I stayed in bed and tried to fall again and cried. I cry now as I write this because I miss him so much I cant stand it. But he didnt love me. He doesnt now and Im not sure he ever did. But I did. I did and Im crushed by my waking eyes and the reality that comes with the sound of my alarm so ruinous. I just want to cry all day. I dont want to go out. It hurts and I hurt and one more time I have to accept the truth which is—- we are not. And even if we were he couldnt love me the way I need to be loved. Honestly. Truthfully. Commitedly. Its not his style. The more he loves the more he hates and so it goes we are more alike than I thought. He pushes, so I push back until ultimately were both out the door and no one gives in. I think he knows I love him. I think its why he leaves. I think its why hes mean to me. I think that he thinks hes protecting me. And perhaps he is; for again I need to be loved in a certain way and I dont think he can and he knows it. Perhaps I should be grateful. Somehow Im just not. Somehow right this second if I could just have the smell of his skin in my air for 1 minute I would feel alive. If I could just feel his hands and see his face while he sleeps. He just has no idea. I love this person and hate him for it all at the same time. But mostly I love him and I long for the day I am released from this longing. The day that a memory of him doesnt demolish my days and torment my nights. I long for the day that I fall in love with someone else so that knowing he holds another woman at night doesnt make me feel so shameful, so alone, so insignificant. I am not a woman in waiting. Im just held here in time until Im not anymore and I just really dont know when that will be. But I have hope. Its all I have but I do have it. Even after years…’ve got to hold on to something.I have to work today at 11am.Lets see how well I do.


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