them

October 25, 2005 at 1:42 pm (Uncategorized)

And Id rather be in a dark room then here
Yes Id rather pretend Im not looking at you
Id prefer it if we were nothing but friends
and I assume you know what Im thinking of you
But you linger on and on
and still you do long after your gone
for your presence makes me feel sticky inside
and now Im just sticking to everything

suddenly I see the full moon shine
and unfortunately
the freedom of the outside
but for me I dont care much for this uncertainty
and I have no desire to kiss and carry on
so please depart before I have to slay you
and remember you with that stupid smile

for I am without what it takes to enjoy how I love you
and forever Id prefer to be alone with my time

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this road were on

October 23, 2005 at 1:41 pm (Uncategorized)

can be so devastating.
Why some make it and some dont remains to be understood by me
I suppose everything is in order if we all agreed to this
I guess everything is the way its supposed to be
tell that to his family and his friends who loved his face and laugh
tell that to the people who didnt WANT to live without him

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this fucking thing

October 16, 2005 at 1:40 pm (Uncategorized)

This Fucking thing
And for the last time I try to understand
why
there is so little of it (feeling) in the circle of what I like to call hell
the endless chain of uncompassion
the ongoing wonder that is Human Love and Relationships
the mess that has been my life
and anyone elses whos been involved with me

So for one final moment I will contemplate what it is
what it is that has been missing
what it is Im so afraid to see
before I board the rest of the window to my soul and close it forever

And It didnt come to me
So I guess thats it
Game Over

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daily crap

October 11, 2005 at 10:57 am (Uncategorized)

Me Current mood: uncomfortable
Category: Goals plans and hopes its almost time…..

today
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Life
I was painting tonight and I blew it so bad. My wall now, instead of being stenciled in pretty gold leafing looks like Ziggy Stardust exploded on it. I thought I could sort of make it cool but…..NO…its not happening. So now Im fucked. My landlord is gonna die when he sees that. Especially since I put spray adhesive down first to give it texture. Yeah! I think he might hurt me. Lil bit.
I dont want to work tomorrow. I just dont want to. I dont want to be grown up anymore. I want to sleep all day. I think Im depressed.
I feel kind of lost today. And not that thats different than any other day but honestly….Im not miserable all the time. I know it must seem that way because I write about it alot but there are 86,400 seconds in a day and not all of them are spent being angry or upset, sad or depresssed. I just thought Id put that out there. You know sometimes, Im quite happy. Really I swear. And I can be funny too and goofy. So even more the reason why I have to write about it when I feel so sad because its doubley painful to go from happy to sad. I mean its easy to just be depressed all the time. Its the contrast that blows you know.
Anyway, things are fine. But I feel sad. I feel lonely for cetain people. I miss certain people. Im accepting more and more that some people are not meant to be in your life for very long. I guess its ok but its just sad. I feel unsure about how to proceed from here in a couple areas of my life and that always makes me uncomfortable. I mean I like to have a plan and I dont right now. Im kind of stumped as to what to do next. Makes me feel bad about myself. I hate being unsure and scared. I hate to feel like I should be doing more and Im not because I dont know what to do. I dont like to feel like Im wasting time staggering and thats how I feel.
I think I would give my right arm to have one real minute with Freddy. One where hes not acting; where hes being serious and not eluding the conversation or making a joke. One where he doesnt try to have sex with me. I had this “vision” of him about a month ago. That…and I wont go into it here, but shed some light on a long unanswered question for me. I wanted to share it with him but I didnt think I could talk to him. I didnt think he would take me seriously and have a “present” conversation with me. I didnt think he would understand. Or care.
I heard a song on the radio that reminds me of another important person in my past. I wanted to call and say Merry Christmas but I didnt. I couldnt bring myself to dial the number. I wanted to but I just sat there and stared at the phone and hoped he knew I was thinking of him on Christmas. And that I love him very much.
I miss my friend Ashley too. We havent talked in so long. She got married. I wasnt invited. Its very sad. We were friends for a long time. I thought of her on Christmas too. I hope she has everything she wants and needs. Shes special.
I want to feel like Im on the right path. I suppose there is no such thing as being sure but I guess it doesnt matter because this is the one Im on like it or not right now. I hope Im doing ok. I hope I can someday feel good about the state Im in at the moment Im in it. Im never satisfied. Im never content. Im never just enough and its so freakin uncomfortable. I was talking to my Mother today and giving her the “what the fuck were you thinking lecture” And I realized how much pain shes in and she just cant see what the truth is yet. There are so many things a person has to tell themselves to make life tolerable sometimes, even though its so often the wrong thing and the veil that keeps you starving so to speak. But It keeps you feeling secure. I wondered how often thats me. As I wondered this I realized that life is so hard for everyone and were all just trying to make it. So she cant deal and she numbs out with drugs. I numb out without them so whats the difference. I guess I cant be so hard in her. Or any of the people who have hurt me. Everyone is just trying to protect themselves and in the process the bystanders get nailed with the residual. Im guilty too. I wish I wasnt this way. I wish I could walk through life without the walls. and all the defenses. Its so hard though you know to just “BE”.

being sad and other unidentifiable emotions
Current mood: blank
Category: Writing and Poetry
So just for the record NO Im not going to kill myself but thank you to everyone who inquired. I actually didnt know many people read my blogs because no one ever comments on them, but apparently they do, and you know it makes me feel so special. 🙂 So AGAIN…NO…Im not suicidal.
Im a very extreme person and Im just honest about it. I write because it makes me feel better and I post things here because for me its like Ive put it in a Space Vaccuum for the Universe to handle; kind of the concept of a God box if youre into that sort of thing. I think its possible to be in absolute despair and have perspective at the same time. Be on top of the world and hopeless. Im married to being in acceptance of my entire personality. I wonder if other people feel things in the way that I do. If they oscillate between heavy extremes like me. I mean I dont care really but I was just wondering.
Sometimes I wonder if Ill die never knowing what it was like to feel safe and protected. I wonder if Ill ever know what its like to sit next to or across from another person and not wonder what they want. I wonder if Ill die before I can lay next to a man and really sleep. Not just pretend to or doze or watch them breath and wonder what it would be like to suffocate them……..ok Im getting off the point now.
And the point is that I write whatever comes to my mind at any given moment. Its how I find relief it doesnt really mean anything. So thank you for the iquiries but Im perfectly fine. And from now on leave comments people.

Dododo dodo dodo Lalal fallalala dododo dodo
Current mood: drained
Category: Travel and Places
Walking along singing a song…..dododo dodoodododo feeling a bit better
And so it seems Im bipolar.
I bought a shirt with writing on it which I dont normally do because I think they’re lame, but it says “I make stuff up” and I laughed and thought it fitting. I wore it to work and everyone else thought it fitting to.
Im off to see the wizard, its been a really tough week.

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