songs for playtime

November 27, 2005 at 12:27 am (Uncategorized)

I heard a song tonight that reminded me of a life that doesnt feel like mine.
Its as though I didnt live it
as though it wasnt ever real
I feel so disconnected from the things that make me who I am and sometimes
I wonder
if I really do exist.
Maybe I dreamed it all, you know they say this life is dreaming
and if thats the case is there something to wake me?
Could anything be scary enough to make me open my eyes
or will I stay in this nightmare for another thousand nights
but it really doesnt feel like me
if I knew how I felt I could say for sure
but since I dont Ill speculate instead that
this is only just a little fake
just a minor faux pas
and a little bit a joke
and that someday Ill find all my pieces
someday Ill put them all together
when that day comes Ill be a whole person finally
and then Ill know
whats its like to be a real girl
what its like to remember
what its like to connect to myself in a real way
and when I look back on my life in the mirror
I might recognize that girl staring back at me
maybe
Ill
forget
all of those things
that made me a person I didnt want to be
and that took from me
all the things youll never see
so I can start new
wrap myself up in bows
and present myself whole
to a world that never wanted me in the first place
a place I never wanted to be
but this place that I came to because dont we all have to
and be clean, be new, be me

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how it feels

November 23, 2005 at 2:11 pm (Uncategorized)

Im so fucking frustrated. Im so frustrated that I think I may come right out of my skin. I dont feel good about myself today. I dont feel worthy today. I dont feel important. I dont feel like anyone would even miss me. I dont feel like I have a god damn thing to offer this world and really…….. very honestly……….. I want to cry. There isnt anything to say even. I just dont know what to do. This is so hard sometimes.
I just really………dont know……….

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jesus is our friend and cursing

November 21, 2005 at 2:13 pm (Uncategorized)

Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck.
I love this word. It is the most expressive word there is. The most emphatic. It means all the things I shouldnt say and all the things I dare not to. And yes there are some things…..
I like Jesus. I imagine he secretly used this word a lot. I also Imagine he sits in his favorite local watering hole (for those who know me, maybe the Minibar??) watching us from a new 57inch flat screen, mounted to the wall television, with one hand on his forehead saying emphatically, “THATS NOT WHAT I MEANT!!!! FUCK!” then he sips his wine, eats his cheese and maybe even has a bit of chocolate. Some may say he drinks beer but I hate beer so in my world he drinks wine, eats cheese and chocolate, and uses the work FUCK as often as he can squeeze it into a conversation.
I say Fuck all the time. I had one friend tell me how inappropriate it was and for one second I felt small, until I realized that she was a cunt and fucking told that fucking bitch to kick fucking rocks and fuck off.
I am not religious at all. I dont go to church. In fact Im about as NON denominational as they come. But I like to sit inside big chapels and stare at the fresco’s on the ceiling. Look at the crucifixes on the wall and even occasionally light the candles they have and put money in the little cans. I like to wear crosses and when people ask if Im Catholic I just simply say no and smile. My family is Mormon. I was raised in this. It sucked. I dont like it or Catholicism, I think its abominable. But I have respect though for the order of the universe and I believe that all religions serve a purpose somewhere for someone and I dont like to interfere or interject where another may find hope. God knows we all need it, but I think the power of universe resides everywhere. In everything. So I have no preference really. I just like those big beautiful buildings and its quiet there inside. And I like Jesus. I think hes cool. I have these friends called Mimi and Zaid they’re Muslim but they like him too.
Mimi and Zaid also say fuck. Sometimes we say it together just for fun. It makes me laugh. Fuck! I taught Mimi recently the all too powerful american idiom…Cunt.What better way to make a point?
I took myself to the movies tonight. I saw Chicken Little. It was lame I wouldve rather seen Harry Potter but I couldnt make up my mind and thought I’d take a chance on the chicken. Bad idea. Fuck!

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Becoming a woman in the late night

November 20, 2005 at 3:42 am (Uncategorized)

becoming a woman in the late night
Current mood: drained
Category: Travel and Places
When casual sex isn’t that at all but more a tool to keep yourself blocked, and you know it. When wanting to cuddle takes the place of the sneaking away unheard you know you’ve got problems.

I’ve been doing things one way my whole life.

This is not what I’m familiar with and I’m not sure I like it but I’m changing. In my habit I leave after he falls asleep and this time it’s different. I left don’t get me wrong. But I didn’t like that I wanted to. I didn’t like that I put myself in a situation that called for it. I didn’t like that I went ahead with it. I didn’t like that I felt nothing about the fact that I did it.

Streaming along side the rest if the world unseen or unheard isn’t what I think I need anymore and I’m clear it’s not what I want. I realized I have a missing boundary and another that is in the wrong place. It’s clear at this point that I’m in pursuit of a true honest connection and not that of only the physical kind. I didn’t know this and I dont like it, it makes me uncomfortable but I dont think I want to be callous either. All this time I’ve been a freeway for the male species and all I had to do was accept that I was vulnerable and that like everyone else I need like a real woman. I didnt because I hate the humanity here. I’ve been shut down for so long and finding my emotional needs acknowledged and ignored through my sexual behaviors instead of acknowledged and tended though my relations. It’s all ass backwards. The ways in which I have abused myself are endless and lately reveal themselves to me at a trains pace and force. I’m not so sure I’m ready to see this part of me but it seems I have no choice. Their coming and I’m not into stuffing things anymore, that revelation came last year.

I have for so long had a feeling and swallowed it. Had a feeling and said nothing. Had a feeling and never let it out. For so long I’ve done this that I forget I had feelings and now when things come up I often have no idea what it’s connected to. But I’m going to sort it out. I’m committed to being true to myself. I’m committed to cleaning house. I may not ever feel clean, I may never get to all of it, but at least I’m willing to start somewhere.

It bothers me that I have needs. Because it means of course the possibility that they won’t be met. I’m not sure what’s worse…having them and living unfulfilled or pretending not to have them and finding yourself in a medley of grief. It seems neither choice is advantages but I suppose with the former there is less self abuse. And for me that seems to be the biggest problem in my life. That I like to hurt myself.

So I’m becoming a woman in the middle of the night. Somewhere between Santa Barbara and home I found one of my missing pieces. I wasn’t even looking really. Or maybe I was. Im not sure I like what I found but its a part of me still and Im taking it home with me. Its mine. Ill own it. Ill hate that I have to but Ill do it anyway.

I dont like relationships with men. I also dont like that instead of having one Ive let myself, like I said, be a freeway. I dont really know what Im going to do about this now since it seems a change in pattern is in order. I prefer being alone because Im more productive, less anxious, less terrified and more in control. Funny thing is as I write this I realize that much like feeling clean; being more productive, less anxious, less terrified and more in control is probably the wrong point. A pursuit of something empty down a forgotten road. So now what? Im to be sideswiped? I guess………Whatvever!!!

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My conversation with the Ghost

November 18, 2005 at 2:14 pm (Uncategorized)

Trying to figure it out.
What you ask?
Anything! I say
Everything! I follow.
But why? Tu demandez
Because, I don’t know a lot of things. I say
You look me straight in the face and ask….”Why do you need to know?”
And then I wonder…..
hmmmmm

Its like chasing a mosquito in the dark with no fly swatter.
Its just not going to happen.
Accept it.
Lick your wounds and get out of the house.

The moral?Live more
Think less

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my beautiful self

November 17, 2005 at 2:15 pm (Uncategorized)

I believe there is both beauty and terror in every person. I believe in each and every one of us there is as much the capacity to love as there is the probability that we will hate. I’m afraid it’s true that the more you love a thing the more you’re capable of wanting to kill it. It takes a special kind of spiritual evolution to be the type to love and not want for yourself, but to love and want for that which you do.
I’ve concluded in myself this very dichotomy. I am both baneful and adoring; as much menacing as I am kind. Until recently I’ve tried to suppress or maybe ignore the part of me that can be hateful, poisonous and apocalyptic. What I’ve found is that it doesn’t suppress at all, but actually becomes even more apparent with my efforts. My desperation to hide these parts of me really never made me more caring or productive. Only less aware of who I truly am and what my limits or lack there of rather, in either direction really are. I spent so much time trying to hold it all in that I exhausted myself, neglected other things I could’ve spent time on, and in the end behaved badly anyway. I’ve found the less I accept myself, the less I know myself. The less I know myself, the more awkwardly I present myself in the world. The more awkward I feel, the worse I behave and so it goes…..the story of my life.
I’m not bad. I’m a good person really. A person who, just like every other human makes decisions based on my current experience in the world. Which unfortunately, but all to divinely ordered, is a state of fear or past experience (sometimes not the greatest reference). As a result of this I sometimes feel hateful, have murderous thoughts, I do malefic things and I wish bad things on people. But at the same time I have the most wonderful relationships with my friends. I’ll do anything for anyone whom I love and give a person anything they need at my own expense. If I have ever had love for you Ill always have love for you no matter anything. Once I’ve entered a relationship agreement with another human it’s close to impossible for me to break it no matter what they’ve done to me.
I realized it’s ok that I am the most extreme of persons. Wrestling with myself is apparently pointless and I’ve resigned myself to caring how other people view me and my humanity. I do not suffer from guilt. But I’m having a birthday in less than a month and Ill resolve to accept this year, both sides of me and try to find a more productive place to express my hate, anger and rage. So that maybe there will be more room for my love to cultivate itself and become a little less selfish so that maybe just maybe when I die Ill be able to say I knew a little something…….about what’s important in this life.
Even if it’s just that I noticed I needed to. Not because I feel bad for who I’ve been because I dont. But more simply so I can experience something I have not yet. So I can try on a different glove and see how it fits. Maybe I’ll learn something. And I if I do maybe there is someone like me I can share it with and spare myself with. Maybe someone like me who more than anything just ever wanted to feel clean and never did. Who, like me never will. I suppose that is not the point anymore. As I accept myself I realize this more and more. That feeling clean is a empty pursuit of nothing down a road so far forgotten not even “GOD” can find you.
You have to be in the game to be seen and like the pursuit of anything fanatically youre out. Thats the way it is. So here I am. Im getting on the court. With full knowledge and appreciation for all my parts in their various states and levels. I’ve been my own worst enemy and now I think Ill try being my own best friend. Besides being a little sinister cant be all that bad….can it?

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aggresion repression

November 15, 2005 at 2:15 pm (Uncategorized)

I hate being responsible. I hate it. I want to be reckless and out of my mind…….Oh wait! I am, what am I talking about?
Ok I want to be like a vagabond just free and not attached to anyone or anything…Oh wait I am that to….
Ok I want to be a criminal. A murderous, psychotic, expressive blood shedding, bone crushing mankiller. I want to shoot people If I feel like it and bash in their cars with a bat. And kick their teeth in and scream like a crazy person in the middle of the street. YeeeeeeS YES! thats it! A mad woman……Oh……wait….I just di……..
No seriously I didnt really….or did I? The funny thing about this is that some people who know me well might have to think about it before they answer! LOL

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my little angels

November 14, 2005 at 2:16 pm (Uncategorized)

I sometimes work at this school in HB for handicapped kids. Im not a teacher. I do makeup for a living but today was my day to volunteer and I have to say there is something about children who have no sense of “normal” that makes a person feel free. They just love you and are glad youre there. They say weird things and give hugs. It reminds me of me when I was little only I somehow grew up without a diagnosable disease. Or perhaps I just was the disease and learned to hide it. There are two kids in my class who have seemingly nothing wrong with them. They cant sit still and dont have any sort ot concentration skills whatsoever but they are so smart its scary. And then there is a little boy named Mathew with cerebral palsy that cant eat and is strapped into a chair. He has to be hand fed. They say he has no comprehension at all and that he doesnt know hes handicapped or that hes different, that hes unaware of his surroundings. He has a speacial person who feeds him. But today I brought brownies and after lunch the woman who normally feeds him left. When all the other kids were enjoying the sweet he was sitting alone because the other aids didnt want to get drool allover themselves. He looked sad so I offered to do it. I was feeding him that brownie he was so happy. He cant open his little hands but he was trying to touch my face. He put his closed fist on my nose so soft and smiled at me. I think he knows. Im certain he does. Then there is Jacob and he is hilarious. There isnt really a way to describe him except hes a little lover. Hes almost like a happy drunk. He just hugs you and says I didnt mean it all day. LOL, I cant stop laughing. It cracks me up. I try to be stearn but sometimes you just cant. But he reads and listens most of the time. And then there is Jessica. She cant walk or hold herself up but she has full brain function. She likes to hear stories and is always perfectly accesorized. She likes to watch the other kids play. Shes mild mannered and it makes me wonder what kind of special person she is that she can just sit and watch life when she is trapped in that body and be content. It made me think. Think about what do I really need? Not the things I so desperately scurrry about for. That I work for and worry about. That I speed in order to get to. I wish I could be more like her. That little Jessica. Just calm and content to see the world from a still perpective. And not be angry just smiling like I know something everyone else doesnt. Maybe shes not really an 8 year old girl at all. Maybe shes an angel meant to just exude that presence like she does so that grown ups like me can learn a thing or two about life. And Hannah who doesnt talk or read. She coughs about every minute and a half. I was surprised when I realized she understands everything you say. She can draw a perfectly straight line with elmers glue and one at a time place corn kernels on it to create a beautiful picture. Today she finished her art project. She was so proud of it. I wish I felt that way about my art. Proud and unafraid to show it to everyone. With the class today one of the big things we worked on with the kids is their confidence and ability to speak to people and not be so shy and hide behind a person theyve grown attached to. Funny how its exactly what I needed to hear. Isnt life just odd that way. I love that class. I think sometimes I need them more than they need me. Actually its true. I do.

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Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

November 11, 2005 at 2:17 pm (Uncategorized)

Sometimes I get sick of myself. Always talking about a thing that bothers.
But whatever. If I had something else to talk about I would, surely you believe me. Or not, I don’t really care. Because if you’re reading this fuck you, I’m not having a good day.
Today I don’t feel good. Its not been a good day. I feel sad and lonely. I feel heartbroken and frustrated. I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone about it and I don’t even want to. If I could I’m sure I couldn’t say what I mean. Not today. It would all come out jumbled and stupid, sticky and just plain unmentionable.
I feel alone in a room full of all my friends. I feel threatened in a room full of all my friends. In a moment when they all tell me they love me I wonder what could they possibly want.
I feel purposeless and listless and I cant rest. I think I may run but maybe not because God Damnit I’m tired. But I run everday. No matter what because I’m obsessed and that’s how it is in my world. But I don’t feel like it and I think instead Ill beat myself up cause that’s the mood I’m in.
Maybe Ill just fucking shoot myself and be done with it. But I’m not ready for that yet oh No, though I wish I was so I could end this miserable fucking day. This Mood that’s like being hit in the face with a bat by someone who doesn’t like you very much. Then maybe the stomache too. Then if your lucky maybe they’ll nail you in the head just for kicks and you can fall into an excusable, still resting sleep and fuck your job because today you hate that too. And no one can blame you since your knocked out and probably in the hospital. maybe they’ll give morphine. Maybe they’ll make it stop for a second. Maybe someone can tell me how to turn it off. My fucking head and the little demons that run around up there.

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blood…thicker than water is it?

November 8, 2005 at 2:17 pm (Uncategorized)

Sometimes I wonder what you thought that day
If I could hear you what would you say
so much lost hanging by a string
was the view from that beam more comforting

and so you think its such a long road
and so you think its such a long time
to be in pain know

Do you wish it didnt end this way
do you miss us
do you look back and wish youd tried
to say anything
are you were you want to be

and so you think its such a long road
and so you think its such a long time
to be in pain I know

Wont forget my mothers voice on the line
giving me news that would change my life
and it all stops
Jason did you see me dying

with eyes like fire and a smile that rains
you can never be replaced

fifteen years since you took your life
and it took this long just to talk about it
fifteen years since you left the hole in mine
and it took this long just to talk about you

I think of you everyday
Do you think of me
and the thousands of heartbeats it costs me
for the thousands of seconds I take a breath and you dont

and you think its such a long time
and you think its such a long road
to be in pain I know

and you thought it such a long fucking time
and you thought it such a long road
to be in pain I know

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