December 30, 2005 at 1:55 pm (Uncategorized)

So I sent an email to my mother.In it it said I never wanted to see her or speak to her again. That I was finished. I told her I wanted no response to my email or pleading phonecall and that if she really loved me likes she claims to, she would respect this because its what Im saying I need.I want to put my childhood and all its horrific memories to rest….for good…forever.I want to be a whole person. I want to be free from all the visions that play like movies in my mind during both my waking and sleeping moments, hours, days. I lied when I told her I felt indifferently about our relationship. I lied when I said It was finished in my heart, for her tears and reaction I can see in my minds eye is something that will haunt me ad infinitum. I do love her. I do understand and empathize with her. I KNOW she just doesnt KNOW and I hurt because she doesnt understand but shes never protected me. Never been a participant in my life. She burdens me with her disfunction and my life is about me now. Or at least I want it to be. Ive cut off both of my parents. Im afraid theyll both die with their needs met through narcotics. I want to live. Everyone has a burden. Mine is knowing my family longs for me but cant keep me sane in our inrteraction. That they love me and cant love me. That they think I dont care because they dont see me trying to save myself. Its ok even though its not. This is ok. My friends tell me so. I can hear my mother crying now. But she hasnt responded to my email just as I requested. Its been 2 days. Happy New Year to me. Happy New Year to you who reads this. Allah yihmeema!


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December 27, 2005 at 1:57 pm (Uncategorized)

I wanna be skin deep in the chaos you love
And the vacuum that surrounds you
I can see your mouth move with my eyes closed
For a second I thought I lost my mind
Now I know yes now I know

Almost there boy here I come
On our way
I can see your body with my back turned
And I hope you see what I do
Do you or are you faking

Happy Birthday to me
Happy Birthday to you
And all the skies said welcome home
And all the many mutants sing
And the letters we wore turn to dust
And all the many whores welcome us
For this is no heaven baby
For this is no hell
But this is where I want to be
With you

She said once that I needed to be something other than what I am
They told me I would never be enough to bring the love home
And I believed it for far to long
She told me he could never want me the way I needed him to do
And that only clean girls get his heart
And I believed it for far to long but I know now
The truth

Im on my way to the broken mirror
To see myself 1000 ways
I can feel your presence when Im possessed
I can feel it when Im not
I can see your words float by
I can see you if I’m still
I can follow you home

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December 25, 2005 at 1:57 pm (Uncategorized)

So it was Chritmas today. Yes it was. I think…….
And as usual the ordinary drama ensued. My sister cried A LOT. So did my mom after she showed up loaded and we busted her in the back room. She left prematurely because she didnt want the rest of the family to find out. My pervy Uncle came. We chatted. It was….well….interesting. My sister was sober thankfully this year but shes also pregnant so Im not sure how long that will last but I must say my Brother in Laws shitty shenanigans were at a minimum which was a relief, except for he “forgot” to tell me the Dirtbike was almost out of gas and I got about 4 miles away from the house before I stalled out and that kind of sucked but whatever. I didnt get pied….no one puked on me. The kids were happy and my brother was hungover but not tanked so it was nice to see him. There were a few people there I didnt know but all in all in wasnt the worst Christmas Ive ever had. But Im glad to be home in my own house. Where the toilets are clean and the trash doesnt overflow. I dont have to hide my purse and there are no drunk people. Yeah for me. Thank God its over…until next year!

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horticulture, new buddies and other random things I do in my spare time

December 22, 2005 at 1:58 pm (Uncategorized)

So it appears Im growing things on my uterus and/or ovary. Things like a cystlike mass. This is a bit of a drag as Im really not happy at the prospect of removing it but whatever. Its the kind of month Im having. I dont think its serious because they didnt admit me to the hospital or anything, but I have to say……this is a bummer. I like my Uterus and my right Ovary. I want to keep them. I want to keep them right where they are. Although its looking like one of them might have to go. Especially since I cant bleed like a normal succubus should. And you know…You think youd be happy to skip the oilspill everymonth but let me tell you after doing it for 19 years you sort of look forward to it. Once it starts you feel better. I want my 4 days of a reason the be left alone back damnit! This sucks ass.

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Hair bands

December 20, 2005 at 1:59 pm (Uncategorized)

Went last night to the Key club had a blast.
Metal Skool Rules!

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Just Random

December 17, 2005 at 1:59 pm (Uncategorized)

You know, I work out every freakin day and I still have this little pooch. I hate this pooch. It sticks out. It makes little rolls. Its jiggly. It pooches. It interferes with my aspirations of having an hourglass figure and my invisible friend says I can be anything I want as long as I put my mind to it. But Fuck no matter what I do I cant get rid of it. I hate it. I run, lift weights, do situps, crunches, I pray, I beg, I pinch it and hope it gets the hint but nothin! I think Im going to result to Lipo. I cant take it anymore. Ive been patient. Ive been understanding that its just happy there but this is just getting ridiculous. An hour a day God Damnit youd think Id look like Demi but not even close. It pisses me off. I wouldnt wear a bathing suit outside if someone paid me in gold.
Someone said I needed to quit drinking wine and “blasphemer”! I cried. “Curse YOOOOOOOOOOU”! There must be an easier softer way. So I pondered and added an extra 30 minutes to my workout just to see if it would help. It didnt. So now what? Im screwed. I guess I could start smoking crack but something tells me Lipo would be cheaper. I feel like I look like Mrs Potato head on stilts. Im skinny everywhere but my little pooch. I hate this pooch.

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what to do when you dont know yourself

December 15, 2005 at 2:00 pm (Uncategorized)

I’m suffering from apathy at an alarming speed. I don’t care about anything.
Not today. I don’t care about my friends. I don’t care about my family. I don’t care about my clients and their eyebrows, their parties, or the pretty makeup they come to me for. I don’t care that the wardrobe cabinet my landlord got me for my overzealous collection of useless adornments meant to make me feel like more of a woman that I really am, is and has been, sitting in pieces on my living room floor for two days because I quite simply, don’t care to put it together. I don’t care that the men I’ve loved don’t love me back, I don’t care that I don’t care about it. I’m not concerned with Christmas or driving to it as for me it exists this year at my sister’s new house about which I also don’t care. I’m not excited about her new baby coming. I’m not unexcited, I’m just not interested either way today in anything or anyone. Not my messages, my bills, my money, my shoes even, and that’s saying A LOT. I don’t care if you’re hurting and need a friend. I don’t want to hear it. I don’t care if I’ve done something to offend. I don’t care if the entire world came raining down on itself in tiny little microfragments cause honestly……. I don’t give a fuck.
Funny thing it is.
Also a funny thing. I often wonder if it’s really numbness at all or just overload. But I don’t really care what it is. I’m just typing because there isn’t anything else right now that interests me enough to hold my attention and I’m not tired so I’m just typing.

I don’t care that my phone is ringing right now or about the fucking lame email I got from my mother today. I don’t care that she’ll wake up tonight at about 1am like she does, and see my insulting reply. I don’t care that people don’t like me. I don’t care if they do. They can go fuck off. Cause that’s the kind of uncaring cunt that I am. I don’t care about the repercussions of my shitty attitude today and I don’t care that the more I type this the more I realize that Apathy is not really my problem right now but rather some serious innate hostility directed thankfully outwardly as opposed to inward for a change causing a domino effect of actions titled “fuck you” that I can not control and don’t care to.

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retail therapy

December 14, 2005 at 2:01 pm (Uncategorized)

So I made it through the day and managed to cry only in the bathroom where no one could see me. I think Ive made some progress for as I saunter in the door ready to collapse because the effort I put forth today has just wiped me out, Ive decided to go running anyway. (Despite the fact I wish someone would put me out of my misery.) Im like a cat whose been hit on the fwy today….except for my outfit. Which I must say is pretty groovy considering AND has been the ONLY thing today that kept me from sticking a pair of thinning shears in my arm when no one was looking. I work in a salon and there are mirrors all about and each time I thought I could take no more something about my $350.00 pair of shoes upon my $50 pedicure that I got on my break made me feel so much better. Im doing this ultra 80’s thing and I have on a short short skirt and some tights that hit my calves, A T-shirt, saucy belt and my shoes wooooooohoooooooo…..Im like Madonna circa 1984 only with better hair and make-up, ok so now….back to my devastation……..
Anyway yes Im devastated. Devastated as devastated can be in one day but things are looking up….I saw this bag in the window on Rodeo………

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I need a band

December 12, 2005 at 2:02 pm (Uncategorized)

Are there NO musicians in this town that understand the concept of consistent?
Im so frustrated.
I need a band and its just not happening over here.

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fucking demigods

December 11, 2005 at 2:03 pm (Uncategorized)

I lost one of my favorite pairs of socks today
they were gray and thick with beautiful stripes on them
yellow and red stripes to be exact
they were cushy
they kept my feet warm
they got softer each time I washed them and this fucking sucks
I looked allover
inside, outside, behind, in front of
what the hellllllllll?
I just dont understand it
I live in a house.
I have my own washer and dryer
and I cant for the life of me figure out where the hell my socks go
Im the only one here that uses it.
theres no one here but me
and still everytime I do the laundry
I cant find my socks

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