Freakin great…here we go…..

February 27, 2006 at 7:00 pm (Uncategorized)

So Im having another one of those days where Im struggling to find my self
esteem. I woke up and somewhere between the time I hit snooze and brushed my
teeth I seemed to have misplaced it.

I had a very hectic day and a few disturbing conversations. It seems Ive
realized that not only am I a control freak but I also feel I struggle with
the whole quality/quantity thing. It appears to me that I have...for some
time...valued quantity. And now Im beginning to see the esteem in simple
quality instead. However Ive yet to complete the transition and Im finding
myself quite uncomfortable in the interim. Im looking around at some of the
things/people/cachet Ive applied merit to and Im horrified at my blindness.
Almost embarrassed at my negation of plenary. Always in such a hurry, take
what you can get, this will do, more more more... It seems the very thing
Ive despised in others is the thing I also suffer from. I need to slowdown,
be more thorough, patient, pay more attention; Be more willing to excel at
what Im focused on; sans perfectionism, but with more candor and integrity.
I need to relax and be more myself.

I also realized that outside of some unmentioned groups of people...Most
persons are not interested in your opinion on their life. Many times when a
person is talking or venting they maybe just want to be heard and not
coached. I always think I know what to say. Sometimes I guess its better to
say nothing. I believe in general people find theyre way, all by themselves.
Its not my job to fix anyone, help anyone, encourage anyone. My biggest
struggle in life is relating with other people. I guess I feel like I dont
know how to unless Im giving advice. I dont know how to relate and just
be...and not BE uncomfortable. I hate being uncomfortable. So Im always
giving advice instead. But now that makes me uncomfortable too. Its time to
change and know myself at a different level. To start being more present
with people. The point is not to learn to be vulnerable, is just to learn to
just be me. To be able/willing to feel myself out and sit in all my
emotions, no matter what they are. And learn about myself the things I avoid
in all my little idiosynchrosies. Its so ridiculous. Honestly... I hate
people. I dont like to "relate" to anyone. But I suppose if Im to get any
further in my life, Ill have to learn to get close to them so I can learn
how to get close to myself. For me thats how its done. Out there first/in
here second...Out there and productive finally last.

Does it ever end? Unfortunately its not looking like it. Maybe someday Ill
not see this onion peeling as unfortunate. Maybe someday Ill actually enjoy
it.

I dont think so...but you never know...stranger things have happened.

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Life is fucking stressful

February 27, 2006 at 1:40 am (Uncategorized)

I was standing in the bathroom mirror tonight; like I do everynight before I
go to bed as I do my pre-sleep routine. As Ive done for my 30 years on this
planet.

I brush, floss, rinse, wash my face, apply various creams and syrums,
blowdry my hair if its that night to wash it, and I inspect my skin, my
teeth, my roots, and now......my gray.

It occurred to me tonight that my maintanence is becoming more and more
extensive yet my results more and more scarce. I work out everyday to look a
fraction of as good as I did in my twenties. I dye my hair more often. I get
a mani/pedi every month because it makes me feel better but Ive had to start
getting massages every month to deal with my stress. I get a facial with a
micro because Im concerned I look old and I even started to contemplate
various forms of surgey to "prevent" the inevitable. I cant eat bread, I
cant eat too late, I cant have cookies or brownies and Ill tell you that
really sucks because I really like them. I have to eat half as much as I
used to to stay 10 lbs heavier. This is lame.

I know we all have to get older. I mean lets face it...none of us get out of
here alive, or looking good. But seriously I dont have enough time in the
day as it is to get it all done and now add an hour long workout come hell
or high water, self help books, 30 minutes upon waking and 30 minutes before
bed of free writing so I dont loose my head on top of hairdressers,
facialists, therapy, manicurists, Pilates/Yoga, nutritionists, accountants,
family (Yikes!!), friends (double Yikes!!), Work, THE FWY, and the pursuit
of dreams and you basically have my life= No Sleep. Its no wonder I have a
nervous breakdown every month. Jeesus Fuck Christ GODDDDD!

Its 2am now and my to do list for today just got added to the ones from
earlier in the week and there is still so much to do. I feel.....overwhelmed
a bit. I have my volunteer day at the school and my tax appt tomorrow. Ill
write and work out in the am then get on THE FWY and get to it. I just quit
one of my jobs so I could devote more time to my art and Its looking like
the extra days this week will be spent finishing my lists. My neverending
lists of shit Im not so sure is so meaningful. Oh well. Ill think about it
tomorrow.

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A new experience

February 26, 2006 at 2:34 am (Uncategorized)

I went out tonight. Went to a play then dancing. I met some friends out at
one of my favorite places to go. A fab time!!! Afterward I went back to my
girlfriends house. She invited others. Some were men. Im not so accustomed
to men being so rude to women but 2 of the guys were incredibly
disrespectful to one of my friends. They were just being very rude. I
decided this wasnt my kind of party and I left. But as I was leaving a few
not so nice comments got thrown my way. I just ignored them and continued on
my way. But Im still a little flabbergasted. Id be lying if I said it didnt
bother me. The way they were acting. That it didnt make me angry and
retaliatory. I mean of course I dont subject myself to that kind of
behavior. Call me stuck up or whatever but I just dont spend time with
people like that. But at the same time if you encounter it for some reason
it really makes you feel so powerless. And dirty. I mean just simply leaving
doesnt seem like enough. You want someone to go over there and kick the fuck
out of them. Its lame but I mean you just want to annialate those fucking
guys. Stupid jerks. And then you wonder why on earth would someone be
friends with people like that?? And let them in their house? I swear If I
werent trying so hard to change my own bad behaviors I wouldve knocked that
asshole out. He certainly deserved it. Its not far from a reaction Id have
given in the past. But Ill tell you it really did instill a sense of
powerlessness in me that I hate....Not reacting. I mean, I cant control
other people thats the truth. I can only control myself and even then thats
pushing it. Violence isnt the answer so then what is? How do you leave a
situation like that and not just want to explode? I dont know I suppose I
need to ask myself why it bothers me so much? Maybe Im not totally confident
that I dont deserve that type of treatment so my sensitivity to it is
severe. I dont know. I like to think that with every passing day I get more
certain of my worth. But perhaps there is still a part of me lingering in
the shame of my past. I should feel sorry for those guys really, thats
really pathetic the way they were acting. Its just fucking.....gross!! But I
still would like it if someone would beat them up....How stupid am I right
now???????????????????????

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today

February 25, 2006 at 6:46 pm (Uncategorized)

Ive decided I hate the Myspace. Im boycotting!  Im striking!  No!!!
Actually, I dont even care that much. Im just not signing on anymore.

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my little tummy

February 23, 2006 at 10:35 pm (Uncategorized)

So I think I ate a bad thing. I have an upset stomach and Me no feel so
good.

So I went to Vons. I got some strawberry flavored Maalox and some rolaids. I
took them and now I REALLY dont feel so good.

Lindsay told me to get Mint tea but I decided while I was standing in the
aisle that I couldnt make it for myself and I needed to take some pepto and
lay down and try not to die. But they were out of the pink shit so I got
that strawberry crap and let me tell you something....the smell is enough to
make you hurl and let me tell you something else.... I cant sit up anymore I
have to go be horizontal. Im dying.

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I dont hate anyone

February 23, 2006 at 12:41 am (Uncategorized)

I just dont love very many people.

What is love anyway? Does anyone really know. Everyone seems to have a
different version. A different idea of what it looks like or feels like to
love or be loved. One woman I know defines how much she loves a person by
how much pain shes in when theyre gone. I know a girl who thinks she loves a
person when she gets "that feeling." What the fuck is "that feeling?"
Another says she loves him because of all he does for her. I know a mother
who says she loves her kids because she puts them first and denies herself
things so they can have them. None of this really seems to make any sense to
me. It all seems to originate in the self somewhere. Is that love? Another
person said love isnt an emotion but rather an action. A commitment to act
in a way towards a person with kindness. So then, which is it, a feeling or
an action? Is it a combination of both? Ive decided its both and neither at
the same time. I think you love a person when you let them be on their path
no matter the consequences to you. I think you love them when you never ask
them to be with you longer than theyre supposed to be. I think you love a
person most when you release them before they ask so they can go on to be
what is in their highest good even if it means that isnt with you. I think
you love a person when you let them be who they are. All the time. No matter
what. Because lets face it. We all choose people, stay committed to them or
"feel" things about them for all kinds of reasons that have nothing to do
with really loving them. Sometimes I wonder if a human being is really
capable of putting themselves aside to really love and support another
without at some point wanting something in return. Expecting something in
return. Sometimes I wonder if we were meant to.

It makes me think of my Mom and how I wanted her to be a figure in MY life.
But perhaps shes not meant to be.

It makes me think of my siblings who I wish would be different than they are
so we can have a relationship. But maybe it isnt best for them to be with
me. Maybe it only makes them feel bad.

I think about my Jason. My sweet sweet cousin who hung himself in the
downstairs bedroom of my mothers house in Big Bear when I was 16. How I
hated him for leaving me but maybe it was his path. His way. Maybe I should
talk to him now instead of being angry or sad, because Im sure hes happier,
why shouldnt I be for him.

It makes me think of the men who have past through my life and all the
bitterness and resentment Ive had for them. G, S, Freddy, B and how its been
so hard for me to let go of a couple of them. Maybe I could love them better
by forgetting about them and letting them have their lives without the
reminder of me. Maybe that is love. Maybe its so, that even though I havent
any contact with them, that my emotional cosmic tie keeps them tied to. And
I should sever it. So I will.

It makes me think of my Father with whom I have no contact because hes
incredibly destructive. We used to share a love of music. The only thing
besides the fact that I look just like him in common. He thinks I hate him
because I wont speak to him but I dont. I really dont. I like him, hes
alright. He just scares me sometimes.

I read a quote earlier by Lao-Tzu, he said "Just remain in the center
watching, then forget you are there." I though this was brilliant. Im going
to practice this all day tomorrow. Im going to try to be aware of things
more. Aware more of myself and my actions, feelings, reactions, and changes
throughout the day. Im really wanting to take more responsibility for my
feelings and emotions. I really want to notice more about the world around
me instead of being so caught up, all the time, in my own head.

When I was very young I lay down on the bed of my mother and listened to a
particular song on the radio over and over. My cousin was in his room and my
mother was downstairs. I didnt live with them I was only visiting. The house
was in Chaos and I locked myself in that room. I hid from the hell in the
air that way always. In music. Just like my Dad. I saw that band tonight at
the Staples Center. They didnt play the song, but the singers voice brought
the memory back anyway. I downloaded it on Itunes about 10 minutes ago. I
have to laugh at how much Ive tried my whole life not to be like any of the
people who have hurt me and funny thing is...Im exactly like all of them in
some way. Someone once told me that what you focus on gets bigger. Its true
you know. Im almost embarrassed to admit how much I focused on the defects
of my Parents,  my family, my loves... That it took me to 30 to realize it
doesnt make up all of who I am. Im going to try to focus more on what I
learn about myself in those situations instead. You really find out how far
you can go in either direction when youre in pain. You find out how much you
do or dont like yourself too. You find out how happy you can be when you see
how sad you can be. So Ive been REALLY REALLY sad in my life; I guess that
means I could be just as happy if I want to be.

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I feel nothing

February 20, 2006 at 11:16 pm (Uncategorized)

I feel nothing at this very second. Or wait maybe I do. I feel what would be
the absence of longing for anything which leaves a little hole where there
was once so much masochism. So much distaste for myself that I would reach
out for a bee sting called (fill in the blank). So often Ive put my heart in
harms way KNOWING that it would be murdered by its pensioner and Ive gone
and done it anyway. But now, I've recessed into my own little Shangri-la
over here to count my scars and tend my psychology. Pandora's Box is never
too tightly sealed in my presence; If these marks could talk...

And so it goes. Im trying to find my self-worth in this junkbox and recover
a little of whats left of my dignity. So much to do, so little organization.

But, I like to make things with my hands I find it very therapeutic so Ive
taken on a few projects in my house to get myself listening to a different
voice in my head. I decided to convert one of my walls into a brick facade,
install some new light fixtures and change my furniture. Lucky for me Im
good with electrical work and a drill. I put up 9 sheets of cement fiber
board today, scored them and drilled them myself. Didnt even break a nail.
Impressive even to me. Took me forever but I did it. Next week Ill start
cementing the brick veneers and then grouting the wall. I think it'll look
fab! Im excited. I havent picked out the light fixtures yet but I will after
I get the wall finished. I installed a chandelier when I first moved in so I
think itll go over fine. Now if I could just get someone to buy my couch so
I can get that rug I want Ill be on my way......

Anyhow, recovery is such a tedious process especially when what youre
recovering from is your own hand. I just want to be able to trust myself and
believe in myself. Someone told me once that "what you focus on gets bigger,
so careful not to focus on the wrong thing." I hoping that if I focus long
enough on the fact that I dont deserve neglectful, dismissive treatment that
Ill start to believe it and maybe things will change. But for now I dont
feel anything and its such a relief. I dont want anyone and its such a
relief. I dont care about any ending in my life right now. I made a decision
that my life, from now on, will be powered by me, for me and thats that. So
well see...... 

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this day

February 19, 2006 at 3:19 pm (Uncategorized)

My best friend Lindsay and her daughters drove up today to stay the night
with me. We ate breakfast together, watched movies, visited a History Museum
in Encino, then we made arts and crafts out of dinner and dessert; had a
great time. We let the girls make their own chocolate covered strawberries
and little pizzas. They rolled the dough out themselves and everything. We
sat down and ate; watched Peter Pan and Mary Poppins. I like having them
here its nice. When I lived closer to her they came every week and now Its
very rare because I live so far from them. But they are like my family those
three. I feel towards Lindsay the way I suspect most people feel toward
their siblings. Shes been committed to our friendship come hell or high
water since Ive known her. After dinner I went for a walk and I thought
about this for a while. How hard it is to stay committed to another person.
Friends or otherwise. It really is a feat. People are so human you know. I
included. Im the worst kind of commit-o-phobe actually. I like to just say
no, no matter what the question really, before you even ask it Ill make sure
you dont want to anymore. If it in some way involves me having to be
vulnerable forget about it, it aint gonna happen. Ill hightail it out of
there. This, Ive realized is actually very sad. Not very mature and pretty
stupid too. But unfortunately for me I have no desire as of right now to
change it. Im good with my friends. But men, no way. Ive always been good at
somehow evading responsibility for this trait also and putting myself in
situations where I can seemingly be a victim of someone elses
commit-o-phobia. At least now I know its me. Even if Im not ready to change
it, at least Im not blaming anyone anymore. I think Ill just stay alone for
a while. I mean really alone. Not with someone in background who I'll let
distract me from me. But just really alone with all the truth Ive got to
swallow from the last few realizations Ive had. I dont want to inflict
myself onto some poor unsuspecting person. I dont want to waste anymore
time. How do you love a person if you cant act like you do? I guess you
cant. Feeling an emotion and acting it I suppose are two different things
entirely. They say feelings arent facts. So what are they then? Passing
experiences? Maybe they only materialize accompanied by an action
demonstrating that feeling. So If I "feel" like I love a person then shut
down like a blown generator It doesnt really count does it? Hmmmmmmm
something to think about. I guess Ill need to work on that.

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Blast from the past

February 18, 2006 at 8:02 pm (Uncategorized)

Isnt it strange to remember the person youve been? Especially when the
person youve been is someone, or some-thing rather, that you question
considerably. I have said before and I very much meant it at the time, that
I accept and honor the person I have been, am, and will be. All the good and
all the bad. But there are a few things I forgot about and contact with a
certain someone yesterday brought forth these memories perhaps for their
proper placing on my shelf of shit. But thing is I didnt like some of the
memories so much, they are embarrassing and humbling to think about. I was
so young at the time that Im having some trouble making up my mind about
them. I mean, lets face it, truth is, since I can remember how to tie my
shoes Ive been not the greatest person some of the time. Ive made up lies,
Ive been selfish, Ive had some idiosynchracies Ive been embarrassed about,
Ive exaggerated things to get my way or make myself not look as bad. But
these are things Ive done in my early teens...do they count? Perhaps not,
but they affect the way I unconsciously see myself anyway I realized and I
think even determine how I view my worth because even though Im not sure I
can be held accountable for a fib I told at 8, 11, 15 if I feel ashamed of
it, it will poison my self esteem anyway and this is what I think is eating
at me today. It could be the last thing on a string of things that Ive
needed to address in the last few years to get over this hump and move
forward once and for all. Maybe its the reason Ive put up with some of the
shit I have. Maybe I need to spend the next few days sitting in how
uncomfortable it is to recall those long lost memories, sift through them
and find some acceptance for myself. I thought I was through having to do
this but I guess not. And I dont like it for sure. But I dont want to be in
this place in 10 more years either thats for sure so I guess Ill do it.
Jeeeeeesssus, I cant believe some of the things I did.

Yikes.

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Im not sad Im just

February 16, 2006 at 11:29 pm (Uncategorized)

in the middle of some really stange experience. I was walking tonight and I
felt the urge to cry start to creep up on my stomache like nausea. I had the
sensation of pain/sadness/frustration but nothing is wrong. Im ok. Things
are fine. I had a fine day. So I asked myself...Self I said..."What the hell
is this about?"

Then as I walked and searched myself for the beginning of the sensation I
found that what I was feeling was actually somewhat of Post Tramatic Stress.
Maybe what a person who has been holding on for dear life might feel once
they get to safety. It seems that in my life relief has come in small doses
over long times of pain, self-inflicted or otherwise. As I was walking, this
night felt like the first night of the rest of my life. Im safe. No one is
going to hurt me. Im not doing anything to hurt myself. Im not afraid. Im
not in desperate longing. I have no extreme emotions and I feel ok with
lifes little tragedy's that at one time seemed to me to be my own personal
horror film that I starred in. My whole life has always been so scary to me.
Everything always felt so horrific. I have been in a state of panic or
emotional stress for 30 years. But its over now. Things dont seem the way
they once did. I dont perceive them the way I used to. Its all ok. And I had
to sit on the curb and cry. I cried and cried and let it all out on the side
of the street at 11:20pm, in my running clothes, on the curb. Like I cant
believe its ok to breathe. I talked to myself for about 15minutes. There is
a part of me that feels remorse over how long it took me to get to here; a
part that feels like I wasted so much time. But I guess there is no sense in
thinking about that since I dont really want to waste anymore time. I just
want to get on with things. I feel nervous as Im not sure where to start. My
footing almost feels like a newborns. I feel awkward and unsure of myself
but certain all at the same time. While I sat there sobbing I was listening
to my Ipod. I took notice of a lyric that was being repeated in this one
song I have stored. It said, about 15 times over and over again, "in
darkness we grow." I had to laugh almost it was so synchronous. I felt
benevolence around me, and I think I have a little faith that Im going to be
ok and I just really hope this lasts a while. I hope I can be all that I
hoped I would be.

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