latenight Tarot on people I dont know… how fun

February 8, 2006 at 11:06 pm (Uncategorized)

So Ive recently become intrigued by a certain righteous, laugh provoking,
individual. I decided to read his cards. Found out a few things. Very
interesting.
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today

February 8, 2006 at 12:16 am (Uncategorized)

I feel ashamed at my tendency to victimize myself. I hate that I dont catch
it before it happens. But I guess its good that I catch it at all. I hope
someday Ill forget the word...and the cage it traps me in.

Because the truth is I am no victim. Maybe a victim of my own desire to
annilihate myself but of even that I am at no mercy really. Ive learned too
much to stay stuck there. I want too much to make that prison my reality
anymore. I have too much to offer this world to dim my light and tell myself
I havent one. I suppose what I tend to focus on the most are the things I
feel Ive failed at or done badly. I never look at anything I may have
actually contributed or achieved. It seems my life in mine own eyes looks
like broken hearts and burned buildings but you know its not the truth. Its
not the truth for anyone. We all have our failures and our championships.
Its all in what you choose to see. Up until now all I saw and rewarded
myself for were my shortcomings. And as any devout self mutilator knows the
rewards for these are violent, and nefarious. The end in the mind of the one
who suffers their own hand and head. Even as I right this I exert terrible
effort to speak in pen (or key) I should say that I believe I have something
to offer. It feels awkward and forced, makes me feel like a fraud. Perhaps
its my habit of degrading myself fighting back and if its so Ill pretend
until I believe it. The Great Production Ill call it.

Ive loved and done so it badly I've lost. Ive been afraid and turned my back
on love. Im afraid now. And it is for this reason I have suffered heart
break. I cant let go of things because I cant take responsibility for their
ruin so I endure ongoing longing and I relive my inadequecy as if in a
commemorative ceremony everyday. In truth, deep down I do blame and torture
myself arduously for being so stupid. But on the surface I can not bear to
know I am the cuplrit for whom I witch hunt. The evil at which I am so
crazed. The soul responsal for my pain. I cant be caught for it bears the
weight of responsibilty and that....ultimately means, I must be honest with
myself,  look at myself and change. Change is painful. Truth is painful.
Fusing the two parts of me whos seperation meant elluding accountability for
my failres means to walk through shame, guilt, sadness, anger, confusion,
and my all time favorite, ignorance. Who wants to do that? Dont we all try
to cloak ourselves in a projection that "We got it" that "We know". Who
wants to be the one to admit that, quite frankly...no they dont!?!?!

And I....dont. Thats the truth. I just dont.

But I have a tendency also to keep tied to me the other whom I blame. If
they ever loved me they allow me this for the very same reasons I torture my
own self. I'll take this moment to release them all for I have no longer an
interest in wearing these chains. No longer an interest in keeping in chains
one whom Ive loved so very much. I, despite how it may look to some... am
capable of loving more deeply than can be expressed in words. I feel more
deeply than I can harbor and it makes me insane sometimes. That rumble feels
like a 9.0 quake in me and really Im afraid of it. To love a person so much
it hurts to smell their skin. You feel yourself tear in half watching them
sleep. When you kiss them your heart drowns in sorrow because in a few more
seconds their lips will be off of you. Thinking of their happiness youd give
up anything. You anticipate that they might leave and its unbearable. I felt
this way once. I swore Id never do it again for it was hard enough to
control and smash it the first time, and I haven't. In its place though I
find anger, bitterness, and the cold pressure of my thoughts beating down my
ability to care, to feel, to want for love. I find apathy because I look for
it but then merely by grace, I find a little me amidst the rubble still
trying to get out.  Its this conflict Im writing about today. Its me against
me. All in an effort to avoid a freaking feeling.

Sooooo fucking stupid. So simple...but so much bigger than I've ever thought
I was. I guess Ill need some kind of magic to undo what Ive created. Or
maybe faith. I can only hope Ill be up to the challenge should I ever fall
in love again.

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