Im not sad Im just

February 16, 2006 at 11:29 pm (Uncategorized)

in the middle of some really stange experience. I was walking tonight and I
felt the urge to cry start to creep up on my stomache like nausea. I had the
sensation of pain/sadness/frustration but nothing is wrong. Im ok. Things
are fine. I had a fine day. So I asked myself...Self I said..."What the hell
is this about?"

Then as I walked and searched myself for the beginning of the sensation I
found that what I was feeling was actually somewhat of Post Tramatic Stress.
Maybe what a person who has been holding on for dear life might feel once
they get to safety. It seems that in my life relief has come in small doses
over long times of pain, self-inflicted or otherwise. As I was walking, this
night felt like the first night of the rest of my life. Im safe. No one is
going to hurt me. Im not doing anything to hurt myself. Im not afraid. Im
not in desperate longing. I have no extreme emotions and I feel ok with
lifes little tragedy's that at one time seemed to me to be my own personal
horror film that I starred in. My whole life has always been so scary to me.
Everything always felt so horrific. I have been in a state of panic or
emotional stress for 30 years. But its over now. Things dont seem the way
they once did. I dont perceive them the way I used to. Its all ok. And I had
to sit on the curb and cry. I cried and cried and let it all out on the side
of the street at 11:20pm, in my running clothes, on the curb. Like I cant
believe its ok to breathe. I talked to myself for about 15minutes. There is
a part of me that feels remorse over how long it took me to get to here; a
part that feels like I wasted so much time. But I guess there is no sense in
thinking about that since I dont really want to waste anymore time. I just
want to get on with things. I feel nervous as Im not sure where to start. My
footing almost feels like a newborns. I feel awkward and unsure of myself
but certain all at the same time. While I sat there sobbing I was listening
to my Ipod. I took notice of a lyric that was being repeated in this one
song I have stored. It said, about 15 times over and over again, "in
darkness we grow." I had to laugh almost it was so synchronous. I felt
benevolence around me, and I think I have a little faith that Im going to be
ok and I just really hope this lasts a while. I hope I can be all that I
hoped I would be.
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Im curious to see…..

February 16, 2006 at 11:29 pm (Uncategorized)

If youre reading this and you have time go to this link and follow the
instructions. I want to know what you think....

http://kevan.org/johari?name=50ft+queenie

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Yeah I dont know….

February 16, 2006 at 7:55 am (Uncategorized)

Hidden in the blue blue skies
lies the germ of physical warfare
hers is in him and hes so mean
but the wars between them are simply enchanting
your such a beauty he says in a whisper
and you such a tyrant she replies out of breathe
such that your powers are far beyond resistance
until now

you will pay for your excessive charm
someday it will all mean nothing
You will pay for your voice like a summons
and I will not be taken

Magic Magic Magic and then some
takes her until it doesnt anymore
his magic his voodoo his draw his wisdom
kills her until shes lives in his kingdom
but there is no wrath like a woman scorned
and she warned him once a long time ago
that to take her without permission would haunt him
so she whispers this once then pretends she was wrong

You will pay for your excessive charm
someday it will all mean nothing
you will pay for your touch like velvet
and I will not be taken
You will pay for your excessive charm
today it will mean nothing
you will pay for your lips like chocolate
and I will not be taken

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I feel so……

February 16, 2006 at 6:59 am (Uncategorized)

excited.

Yesterday was my last day at one of my regular jobs. I decided it was time
for me to make more time for some of my aspirations and stop making excuses
with workaholism. So I took the big plunge and gave my notice a couple weeks
ago. Ive applied to change my health insurance, and I transfered my home
phone to Vonage which combined, will knock off 160.00 a month off my
expenses. I changed car ins saving me 100.00 p/mo and transfered and credit
card to another co. saving me 200.00 p/mo. Im feeling a little nervous about
the loss in income but I think if I pay more attention to my spending it
will be fine. I even cleaned the bathroom yesterday myself instead of using
a maid. And with my freelance work and my job in LB I think itll be ok. I
was very sad though on my last day. I really liked that job. I made some
nice friends there in BH and really liked that salon. But with a little luck
and maybe a little persistence Ill be enjoying a different type of work soon
enough. I wish I didnt have to drive so far today. I wish I could sleep in.
I wish I wish I wish I wish.....

What do I wish I wonder?

If I give myself a second to think about it.....I wonder what some of those
things are............

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