Im not sad Im just

February 16, 2006 at 11:29 pm (Uncategorized)

in the middle of some really stange experience. I was walking tonight and I
felt the urge to cry start to creep up on my stomache like nausea. I had the
sensation of pain/sadness/frustration but nothing is wrong. Im ok. Things
are fine. I had a fine day. So I asked myself...Self I said..."What the hell
is this about?"

Then as I walked and searched myself for the beginning of the sensation I
found that what I was feeling was actually somewhat of Post Tramatic Stress.
Maybe what a person who has been holding on for dear life might feel once
they get to safety. It seems that in my life relief has come in small doses
over long times of pain, self-inflicted or otherwise. As I was walking, this
night felt like the first night of the rest of my life. Im safe. No one is
going to hurt me. Im not doing anything to hurt myself. Im not afraid. Im
not in desperate longing. I have no extreme emotions and I feel ok with
lifes little tragedy's that at one time seemed to me to be my own personal
horror film that I starred in. My whole life has always been so scary to me.
Everything always felt so horrific. I have been in a state of panic or
emotional stress for 30 years. But its over now. Things dont seem the way
they once did. I dont perceive them the way I used to. Its all ok. And I had
to sit on the curb and cry. I cried and cried and let it all out on the side
of the street at 11:20pm, in my running clothes, on the curb. Like I cant
believe its ok to breathe. I talked to myself for about 15minutes. There is
a part of me that feels remorse over how long it took me to get to here; a
part that feels like I wasted so much time. But I guess there is no sense in
thinking about that since I dont really want to waste anymore time. I just
want to get on with things. I feel nervous as Im not sure where to start. My
footing almost feels like a newborns. I feel awkward and unsure of myself
but certain all at the same time. While I sat there sobbing I was listening
to my Ipod. I took notice of a lyric that was being repeated in this one
song I have stored. It said, about 15 times over and over again, "in
darkness we grow." I had to laugh almost it was so synchronous. I felt
benevolence around me, and I think I have a little faith that Im going to be
ok and I just really hope this lasts a while. I hope I can be all that I
hoped I would be.
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