this day

February 19, 2006 at 3:19 pm (Uncategorized)

My best friend Lindsay and her daughters drove up today to stay the night
with me. We ate breakfast together, watched movies, visited a History Museum
in Encino, then we made arts and crafts out of dinner and dessert; had a
great time. We let the girls make their own chocolate covered strawberries
and little pizzas. They rolled the dough out themselves and everything. We
sat down and ate; watched Peter Pan and Mary Poppins. I like having them
here its nice. When I lived closer to her they came every week and now Its
very rare because I live so far from them. But they are like my family those
three. I feel towards Lindsay the way I suspect most people feel toward
their siblings. Shes been committed to our friendship come hell or high
water since Ive known her. After dinner I went for a walk and I thought
about this for a while. How hard it is to stay committed to another person.
Friends or otherwise. It really is a feat. People are so human you know. I
included. Im the worst kind of commit-o-phobe actually. I like to just say
no, no matter what the question really, before you even ask it Ill make sure
you dont want to anymore. If it in some way involves me having to be
vulnerable forget about it, it aint gonna happen. Ill hightail it out of
there. This, Ive realized is actually very sad. Not very mature and pretty
stupid too. But unfortunately for me I have no desire as of right now to
change it. Im good with my friends. But men, no way. Ive always been good at
somehow evading responsibility for this trait also and putting myself in
situations where I can seemingly be a victim of someone elses
commit-o-phobia. At least now I know its me. Even if Im not ready to change
it, at least Im not blaming anyone anymore. I think Ill just stay alone for
a while. I mean really alone. Not with someone in background who I'll let
distract me from me. But just really alone with all the truth Ive got to
swallow from the last few realizations Ive had. I dont want to inflict
myself onto some poor unsuspecting person. I dont want to waste anymore
time. How do you love a person if you cant act like you do? I guess you
cant. Feeling an emotion and acting it I suppose are two different things
entirely. They say feelings arent facts. So what are they then? Passing
experiences? Maybe they only materialize accompanied by an action
demonstrating that feeling. So If I "feel" like I love a person then shut
down like a blown generator It doesnt really count does it? Hmmmmmmm
something to think about. I guess Ill need to work on that.

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