I feel nothing

February 20, 2006 at 11:16 pm (Uncategorized)

I feel nothing at this very second. Or wait maybe I do. I feel what would be
the absence of longing for anything which leaves a little hole where there
was once so much masochism. So much distaste for myself that I would reach
out for a bee sting called (fill in the blank). So often Ive put my heart in
harms way KNOWING that it would be murdered by its pensioner and Ive gone
and done it anyway. But now, I've recessed into my own little Shangri-la
over here to count my scars and tend my psychology. Pandora's Box is never
too tightly sealed in my presence; If these marks could talk...

And so it goes. Im trying to find my self-worth in this junkbox and recover
a little of whats left of my dignity. So much to do, so little organization.

But, I like to make things with my hands I find it very therapeutic so Ive
taken on a few projects in my house to get myself listening to a different
voice in my head. I decided to convert one of my walls into a brick facade,
install some new light fixtures and change my furniture. Lucky for me Im
good with electrical work and a drill. I put up 9 sheets of cement fiber
board today, scored them and drilled them myself. Didnt even break a nail.
Impressive even to me. Took me forever but I did it. Next week Ill start
cementing the brick veneers and then grouting the wall. I think it'll look
fab! Im excited. I havent picked out the light fixtures yet but I will after
I get the wall finished. I installed a chandelier when I first moved in so I
think itll go over fine. Now if I could just get someone to buy my couch so
I can get that rug I want Ill be on my way......

Anyhow, recovery is such a tedious process especially when what youre
recovering from is your own hand. I just want to be able to trust myself and
believe in myself. Someone told me once that "what you focus on gets bigger,
so careful not to focus on the wrong thing." I hoping that if I focus long
enough on the fact that I dont deserve neglectful, dismissive treatment that
Ill start to believe it and maybe things will change. But for now I dont
feel anything and its such a relief. I dont want anyone and its such a
relief. I dont care about any ending in my life right now. I made a decision
that my life, from now on, will be powered by me, for me and thats that. So
well see...... 
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