Freakin great…here we go…..

February 27, 2006 at 7:00 pm (Uncategorized)

So Im having another one of those days where Im struggling to find my self
esteem. I woke up and somewhere between the time I hit snooze and brushed my
teeth I seemed to have misplaced it.

I had a very hectic day and a few disturbing conversations. It seems Ive
realized that not only am I a control freak but I also feel I struggle with
the whole quality/quantity thing. It appears to me that I have...for some
time...valued quantity. And now Im beginning to see the esteem in simple
quality instead. However Ive yet to complete the transition and Im finding
myself quite uncomfortable in the interim. Im looking around at some of the
things/people/cachet Ive applied merit to and Im horrified at my blindness.
Almost embarrassed at my negation of plenary. Always in such a hurry, take
what you can get, this will do, more more more... It seems the very thing
Ive despised in others is the thing I also suffer from. I need to slowdown,
be more thorough, patient, pay more attention; Be more willing to excel at
what Im focused on; sans perfectionism, but with more candor and integrity.
I need to relax and be more myself.

I also realized that outside of some unmentioned groups of people...Most
persons are not interested in your opinion on their life. Many times when a
person is talking or venting they maybe just want to be heard and not
coached. I always think I know what to say. Sometimes I guess its better to
say nothing. I believe in general people find theyre way, all by themselves.
Its not my job to fix anyone, help anyone, encourage anyone. My biggest
struggle in life is relating with other people. I guess I feel like I dont
know how to unless Im giving advice. I dont know how to relate and just
be...and not BE uncomfortable. I hate being uncomfortable. So Im always
giving advice instead. But now that makes me uncomfortable too. Its time to
change and know myself at a different level. To start being more present
with people. The point is not to learn to be vulnerable, is just to learn to
just be me. To be able/willing to feel myself out and sit in all my
emotions, no matter what they are. And learn about myself the things I avoid
in all my little idiosynchrosies. Its so ridiculous. Honestly... I hate
people. I dont like to "relate" to anyone. But I suppose if Im to get any
further in my life, Ill have to learn to get close to them so I can learn
how to get close to myself. For me thats how its done. Out there first/in
here second...Out there and productive finally last.

Does it ever end? Unfortunately its not looking like it. Maybe someday Ill
not see this onion peeling as unfortunate. Maybe someday Ill actually enjoy
it.

I dont think so...but you never know...stranger things have happened.
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Life is fucking stressful

February 27, 2006 at 1:40 am (Uncategorized)

I was standing in the bathroom mirror tonight; like I do everynight before I
go to bed as I do my pre-sleep routine. As Ive done for my 30 years on this
planet.

I brush, floss, rinse, wash my face, apply various creams and syrums,
blowdry my hair if its that night to wash it, and I inspect my skin, my
teeth, my roots, and now......my gray.

It occurred to me tonight that my maintanence is becoming more and more
extensive yet my results more and more scarce. I work out everyday to look a
fraction of as good as I did in my twenties. I dye my hair more often. I get
a mani/pedi every month because it makes me feel better but Ive had to start
getting massages every month to deal with my stress. I get a facial with a
micro because Im concerned I look old and I even started to contemplate
various forms of surgey to "prevent" the inevitable. I cant eat bread, I
cant eat too late, I cant have cookies or brownies and Ill tell you that
really sucks because I really like them. I have to eat half as much as I
used to to stay 10 lbs heavier. This is lame.

I know we all have to get older. I mean lets face it...none of us get out of
here alive, or looking good. But seriously I dont have enough time in the
day as it is to get it all done and now add an hour long workout come hell
or high water, self help books, 30 minutes upon waking and 30 minutes before
bed of free writing so I dont loose my head on top of hairdressers,
facialists, therapy, manicurists, Pilates/Yoga, nutritionists, accountants,
family (Yikes!!), friends (double Yikes!!), Work, THE FWY, and the pursuit
of dreams and you basically have my life= No Sleep. Its no wonder I have a
nervous breakdown every month. Jeesus Fuck Christ GODDDDD!

Its 2am now and my to do list for today just got added to the ones from
earlier in the week and there is still so much to do. I feel.....overwhelmed
a bit. I have my volunteer day at the school and my tax appt tomorrow. Ill
write and work out in the am then get on THE FWY and get to it. I just quit
one of my jobs so I could devote more time to my art and Its looking like
the extra days this week will be spent finishing my lists. My neverending
lists of shit Im not so sure is so meaningful. Oh well. Ill think about it
tomorrow.

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