Freakin great…here we go…..

February 27, 2006 at 7:00 pm (Uncategorized)

So Im having another one of those days where Im struggling to find my self
esteem. I woke up and somewhere between the time I hit snooze and brushed my
teeth I seemed to have misplaced it.

I had a very hectic day and a few disturbing conversations. It seems Ive
realized that not only am I a control freak but I also feel I struggle with
the whole quality/quantity thing. It appears to me that I have...for some
time...valued quantity. And now Im beginning to see the esteem in simple
quality instead. However Ive yet to complete the transition and Im finding
myself quite uncomfortable in the interim. Im looking around at some of the
things/people/cachet Ive applied merit to and Im horrified at my blindness.
Almost embarrassed at my negation of plenary. Always in such a hurry, take
what you can get, this will do, more more more... It seems the very thing
Ive despised in others is the thing I also suffer from. I need to slowdown,
be more thorough, patient, pay more attention; Be more willing to excel at
what Im focused on; sans perfectionism, but with more candor and integrity.
I need to relax and be more myself.

I also realized that outside of some unmentioned groups of people...Most
persons are not interested in your opinion on their life. Many times when a
person is talking or venting they maybe just want to be heard and not
coached. I always think I know what to say. Sometimes I guess its better to
say nothing. I believe in general people find theyre way, all by themselves.
Its not my job to fix anyone, help anyone, encourage anyone. My biggest
struggle in life is relating with other people. I guess I feel like I dont
know how to unless Im giving advice. I dont know how to relate and just
be...and not BE uncomfortable. I hate being uncomfortable. So Im always
giving advice instead. But now that makes me uncomfortable too. Its time to
change and know myself at a different level. To start being more present
with people. The point is not to learn to be vulnerable, is just to learn to
just be me. To be able/willing to feel myself out and sit in all my
emotions, no matter what they are. And learn about myself the things I avoid
in all my little idiosynchrosies. Its so ridiculous. Honestly... I hate
people. I dont like to "relate" to anyone. But I suppose if Im to get any
further in my life, Ill have to learn to get close to them so I can learn
how to get close to myself. For me thats how its done. Out there first/in
here second...Out there and productive finally last.

Does it ever end? Unfortunately its not looking like it. Maybe someday Ill
not see this onion peeling as unfortunate. Maybe someday Ill actually enjoy
it.

I dont think so...but you never know...stranger things have happened.
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