Le Mot, hmmm Mes Mots, tout les Mots est tre stupide

March 31, 2006 at 11:19 pm (Uncategorized)

Hmmmm I dont have anything to say. Thats odd. I always have something to
say. Except right now in which case I feel like words are just so inadequate
a medium. I wont even try.

Sweet Dreams 

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Mice Mice and More Mice

March 31, 2006 at 7:37 am (Uncategorized)

Some of what I say Im not
I become when I feel small
like little mice they start move
beneath the rats I start to fall
oh what is this torrid fate
that I have come to know
a little love a little fear
a lot of things I show
I wish I could erase myself from here and there and everywhere
I want to be a new girl, a real girl a free girl
I want to be my most washed up and clean girl
I hate the way I move with a tandum bit of evil there
when I get scared when I get scared When I get scared When I get scared
release the rats girl
forget the past girl
release the bats woman
take the fast course to another other way at last woman

In all there is for me I find a little orchestra that plays and sways
my memories like liquid in my aura and
like salt poured in my tea.
theres sugar here theres sour days theres everything between.
Why cant I see the things so sweet the things that make me me.
I only know what tore my heart I only see the pain. God Damn this fucking
history and all that means my name.
Im tired and Im weary and I dont need this fate.
Im cursing all these vampires and the sickness they dont take, from me and
my mind and its there all the time and Im not lost.
But I feel blind.
And Im not empty but I feel it.
I AM not small but I feel like hiding. And Im not a slave but I act

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life stuff

March 31, 2006 at 12:43 am (Uncategorized)

Life moves so fast. Things spin out of control with the wind it seems. I
feel like Ive been transpalanted into a different life. Its so weird how in
an instant everything in your world is different but nothing has changed.
And at the same time it all changes.

It takes barely a breathe for my experience to hop course and seemingly go
in a different direction. Unfortunately for me Im a creature of OCD habit
and these sort of things make me uncomfortable. I have a part of me that
wants to cling to what is familiar to me and the other that wants to be free
from all of it. And still there is the third part saying "Stacy, just keep
walking, keep exploring who you are, expressing who you are, question who
you think you are and keep walking."

Ive been thrown off my routine in the past few weeks with my father, my new
nephew, and the addition of a new person into my life. I feel lost and
afraid. I feel unstable and sad that I acted out in a bad habit that I now
regret. Im a saboteur extraordanaire and I want to stop it. I dont want to
be pitied and I certainly dont want to bring my disfunction to dinner with
me. Or to bed which seems to be the prominent theme for me. Im worried Ive
caused irreversible damage. Im worried Ill be lied to. Im worried I get too
serious during a time that should be so fun but I find it so difficult. I
feel like I ruined the beginnings of a thing and now itll be without that
lustre. I gave in too easily. I revealed too much too soon. I tried to
sabotoge a thing I didnt ever realize I could get roped into. I keep telling
myself that Im fine I just need a little sleep; that there is nothing I can
do about it now and to just relax. I keep telling myself to maintain my
dignity here theres no need to become small and withdrawn. But its hard. Its
very hard. I want to throw in the towel but that damn third part of me says,
"You got to challenge yourself Stacy, Youve got to move through this. If
youre uncomfortable youre in the right place, Keep walking." I hate that
voice sometimes. It makes me do things Id like to give up on but it wont let

I wish for just a few brief moments that I could be a girl who was never
tainted. That I could be "normal" whatever that is. I let myself for just a
few seconds sometimes when Im afraid imagine life without these memories.
Without the things that keep me awake, wake me up at night, keep me from
reaching out and keep me from attaching. I wish I could present myself to
this person with some kind of purity and stability. Then I come back to the
planet I live on and I say ":FUCK THAT!!" Im me. Im not without all these
things. I wont ponder it further...Its not an option. Instead Ill do the
best I can. Ill act in the best ways I know how and learn as I go.

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fucking nonsense in the late night

March 30, 2006 at 1:55 am (Uncategorized)

Ive got a whores blood running through my veins

Ive got a secret

Ive got no more love to break through these chains

Ive got a big one

Ive got a big hole where I used to be

No one will find me not even me

Youve got what it takes and you dont dare

to give back my love to take all this fear

Ive got a big love running somewhere

Ive got a big one

Ive got a lost love somewhere out there

Ive got a secret

Ive got these doll parts hanging in my hands

they say all these things

they say all I cant

Never could I reach you no more do I dare but something tells me long lost
one that you still care.

dark eyes dark eyes dark eyes in the air....

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I am no doll to the one who never thought I was

March 27, 2006 at 3:54 pm (Uncategorized)

my affections merely light like a dimly lit room and I feel something
My heart much like train thats run out of steam
forceful when moving but breathless
I just came to know what replaced all my lovelies
and every time I am reminded by a new circumstance of the possibility of
It just hurts like pain.
And I dont think I can do it anymore
even though sometimes I think I want to love again
I just cant do it
I just cant
theres always a thing that reminds me
Ill die missing you

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WoW thats….Interesting

March 26, 2006 at 2:21 am (Uncategorized)

I realized I find it painfully uncomfortable to drift close to another
person. And not because Im afraid because Im not. Not because I want to
somehow hurt myself because I dont. Not because Im trying to hurt you
because Im not doing that either.

I realized I dont want to nurture tenderness. For whatever reason Im dont
enjoy the feelings of being "loved". I realized this is the stupidest thing
in the world and its got to stop but at the same time I prefer to sleep
alone. So ensues my latest battle...whether or not to embark on the journey
through this medley of habits of which I am no longer forced to blindly
suffer. Ive chosen this way of life and love and its always worked for
me....... Do I really want to dig this one up? Im not so sure either way...

Its late and Im trying to get ready to go back to Arizona to sit with my Pop
who is still in a coma. Im not sure whats to happen with him.... Whatever it
is, I just hope I can exceed my expectations of myself.

Good Night 

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March 21, 2006 at 7:18 pm (Uncategorized)

My Dad fell into a coma today after having a seizure from complications
relating to drug use, hepatitis and cirrhosis. I dont know all the scoop
yet. The nurse said hes "unresponsive" I dont know what that means exactly.
Im going to drive to AZ to see him. This has been an eventful week.

I always knew this day would come but somehow youre just not ever really
ready are you? Even when your relationship is dodgy, you still love your
parents. All little girls need their Daddy's. All kids want their parents to
love them back as much as they love them.

Ive been bracing myself for these things all my life. Im not afraid. But Im
sad. Devastated and Relieved and Sad. Who knows maybe hell wake up... you
never know.

I look just like my Pop. If I had a beard you couldnt tell us apart. Ill
post a photo maybe someday if I can stand to look at one. He has long gray
hair that grows to his waist. Blue eyes and a little gap between his two
front teeth. I used to have that gap. But its gone now. Gone like my Dads
presence in my life. He walks with a limp cause one leg is shorter than the
other and talks with a twitch and his eyes closed. He loves music. Hes
crazy. He smokes a lot and drinks coffee. He loves McDonalds breakfast
platters with extra syrup. He likes to drive, gamble, take women, ride
Harleys, drink, slam speed and go to concerts. He feels lonely and wishes he
knew what to do. He misses his mom a lot and cries only about that. Hes like
a big kid, but hes funny and he tells dumb jokes. Get nervous around crowds.
But he loves music with a capital M. So well see.... well see what happens.

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March 20, 2006 at 5:04 pm (Uncategorized)

A little precious hatred goes so far

All these lashings spell a name I remember

Heard it somewhere

Far behind here

I want to find a place I made

Up in my mind and I feel my way there

And a little precious hatred can carry me far

Far from you and far from it all

So send it to me

Give me your cruelty

Send it my way

I said I want I to hurt

this is how I feel things

See your words fall out of your mouth

Like a stone in a waterfall

Let them hit me so hard

Watch your motives like sunshine

Burn the skin of my face

Let them curdle my mind when they go deep inside

And make messes of all that holds me in line

Send it to me please give me your cruelty

Send it my way I said make it hurt

I want you to know just how I look inside

I tell you this is how I feel things.

Sleep forever little girl little big girl

Quiet your tongue and hold in your screams

Lay yourself down on that cold hard pink floor

And take it the cruelty

You've been asking for

Don't forget youre a dead doll

A little torn rag doll

And some big tidy cruelty will carry you far

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tsk tsk tsk

March 20, 2006 at 8:46 am (Uncategorized)

So I was woken 6am this morning by a phone call from my stepfather. He was
freaking out because he couldnt get a hold of my mom whom he'd left home
alone for the week while hes staying with his ill father. He said shed not
answered the phone since Saturday. Which was actually the last time Id
spoken to her too. So we did what we do everytime this happens, (and its
happened a lot that she goes missing.) we call the sheriff to drive to the
house. This time though they said it would be a while before they could
actually make it to the house. My mother lives deep into the desert off on a
long dirt road in the middle of no where. So I began the 2 1/2 hour drive to
my moms house to see what the story was. So many scenarios went through my
head on the 210fwy. What would I find? Would she be dead? Would it be like
last time? What sort of bloody scene would be on display? How would I find
the animals? What room would she be in? What position? What color? And as I
fell deeper and deeper into morbid thought over the whole thing.....The
bitch calls me. Disoriented but alive. I swear shes like a cockroach. She
just wont die. Its like shes got cats lives or something. So I got off the
fwy and turned around to come home. Whats funny about this is that I didnt
get worked up about it at all. I didnt get upset. Its become commonplace and
I expect her to be no different than she is. Ive finally accepted my mom for
her. Ive finally accepted my entire family for who they are.

Most Holidays I find absolutely tramatizing as I cant stand my skin cause it
crawls off my bones at the sight of my past on display in the people with
whom I share my blood. My sister with her traits that tear like little
switchblades at my soul. My brother whos pain is so apparent and renders me
powerless. His eyes like heavy, wilting, weeping willows draped over his
heart. My grandmothers nervousness. My uncles whos desire to be present got
left in the car. My Grandfathers absense that feels like a void, stands
strong like the elephant in the living room. My stepfather sleeping on the
floor in the other room. My little nephew (and now nephews) whos spongey
little minds, I just know are soaking it all up and theres nothing I can do
about it. But today I imagined something different for my next holiday at my
family's. I imagine a Christmas where I show up unbegrudgingly. Happy and in
acceptance of these people for what they truly are. I imagine myself
grateful for the opportunity to experience some contrast so I can really
comprehend how blessed my life is now. I imagine being happy to see my mom
drooling on herself and sheepishly slurring her "I love you sweeties"
through her toothless mouth. I imagine hugging them all and openly accepting
my sisters little comments or lack thereof and sitting next to my brother
who never speaks and being happy just to feel his warm skin and know hes
breathing. I imagine feeling a sense of comfort as I watch my granny tap her
foot, rock herself and nervously rub her hands together because it reminds
me of where I came from. And one must know where they came from. One must
always remember who they are so they can become who they want. Live how they
want. I love my family. Thats the truth. I have felt so much hate because I
love them that much. Needed them that much. It hurt so bad because I wanted
it so bad. Well Ive realized I can have it. In my accetance of the truth I
can finally, happily, gratefully and with pleasure show up be a part of and
participate without feeling the effects of my longing resurfacing. They were
never gone. I separated myself with a lack of acceptance and a wish to be of
something else. In that I deprived myself of what could have maybe been some
sense of being connected to something. I wont ponder it too long since there
is no point in it. But Im grown now. No one can hurt me anymore but me. I
accept my family now for who and what they really are and oddly enough it
helps me look easier at my own reflection and face my day with a little more
hope that life can offer something good. Its the way you look at things you
know. What you focus on gets bigger. From now on Ill focus on how glad I am
to have a family at all. Who despite their issues do love me. And as long as
there is love for me floating around perhaps I should show up and give some

Im glad my moms ok. I hope someday she finds her peace.

In the famous words of an old friend of mine, which by the way until now
used to piss me the fuck off...."Have a great day, cause it is your choice."

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Food wine and overeating for happiness

March 20, 2006 at 1:39 am (Uncategorized)

The MiniBar RULES!!!!!!

I sat tonight with a friend and saw parts of me across the table. I felt
inclined to be honest about 2 things I had never been honest about out loud
before and it felt good. He had no idea how much he reflected things I
needed to know. Funny how people teach you when theyre just trying to eat
some bread crack. Funny how you listen when youre really just trying to
drown your thoughts in some wine and cheese crack.

Today I had one little miracle and 5 friends intervene between me and my
abyss without ever knowing they had. Rachel, Danielle, Reggie, Randy and
Nima. you just never know where your answers will come from. In a word or a
gesture, an accident or a seemingly meaningless comment. In a example of
love/kindness or hatred. My friends are all little angels. This
second...aside from my heart burn (thanks alot Nima) I feel so lucky.

Good Night

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