Music (*this is a post from my old site)

April 28, 2006 at 7:20 am (Uncategorized)

Im currently working on the music that will be posted on this site. Its coming along but isnt done yet and will hopefully be finished and I can upload the clips by the end of May. Im having perfection problems. Maybe someone can offer some advice.

By the way I found out about the Proprietorship Clause in the Myspace terms and agreements yesterday which basically says anything EVER posted on the Myspace can be used by Myspace and its affiliates for whatever they want and they can license it without your permission. Use it, change it, sell it without turning over any credits. I was advised to only upload clips, short sound bites of my music; create a separate website and post a link to that to protect against this ever happening. Just thought I’d share. This also applies to anything written, art, photos, movies, ect. So just be careful people. I mean this database is huge so the likelihood of you finding your shit ripped off by the owners is slim I think but, The Myspace I believe is owned by Fox now and I wouldnt be surprised if their department in charge of finding music for TV shows, and other broadcasts werent scouting for material to use for cheap or better yet… for nothing. So anyway just thought Id share and have a great day.

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Morning Blues

April 28, 2006 at 12:11 am (Uncategorized)

Fighting a little black and blueness I picked up late last night. How does it happen these little wounds? How does it feel?
It feels like shit. And thats the fucking truth.
I find that my acceptance of things in a said situation will speed up the more I expose myself to the truth about it. So thats what Im attempting to do. But it freaking stings sometimes, its true. I worry a little about my being masochistic but I worry more about my deluding myself so I try as I might, I try yes I do, to slap myself with reality and spare my little me inside any more heartache. But this god damn reality bites and it bites hard, draws blood really;Leaves a mark God Damnit, and today its my self esteem that suffers. Today I find that in my comparison of myself to the nemesis in my life right now I come up short in my own eyes. I come up not quite good enough. I come up lacking in several ways and this my friends is NOT acceptable. This venus isnt better than me. She’s just not, but the fact that I think Im missing something can do one of two things to my little head. It can inspire me to strive for more, or it can brow beat me into submission. Well the decision is mine I know. Its easy for me to run and hide and Ive decided to take the challenge instead of retreating into my abyss but its hard to not take those judgements in and turn them into negative self talk. Its hard. What I need to do is exstensive. I have an ENORMOUS amount of self doubt to overcome. Itll take a lot of work. Some of which I dont really want to have to do. Some of which Im scared I cant overcome. I want to be up for it. And Ive been dallying around for too long now. I feel like I need some encouragement. Someone to tell me I can do it. That I can succeed and prove to myself I got out of the trailer. Im looking for my courage like you try to see crumbs in the carpet. I know its there but I just cant fucking see it. I feel like I havent seen it in a long time. They hurt these thoughts of mine. They do damage. After a while they’ll keep you from ever trying ever again. I dont want this. But when I analyze what I do want, the goal seems almost unreal. A fantasy that I cannot attain. I want to believe I can do/be/have anything I want. And I do in part but there is that evil little voice that screams Im whimsical, that Im never gonna make it, that Im not worth it, that I dont have the skills, the guts, the strength, or the endurance to get there, that no one will ever love me back and that my other dreams are for the worthy not for me. I hate that fucking little voice, I think Im gonna murder it. I fucking hate it. Its so stupid. What the hell is that anyway? Is it fear? Is it my Id or Superego? Is it my other personality… what the hell? I want to flog it. But that damn thing is so elusive. Most of the time its appeared, said its piece, beat the shit out of me, and retreated back into my subconcious LONG before Ive even noticed its been here. Fucking bitch. I hate that. Whatever, I just realized Im late for work shit. Im off to Coachella this weekend so Ill resume this little saga next week.

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days like this

April 27, 2006 at 7:35 pm (Uncategorized)

I miss blogging on this site. My other one doesnt show me when someone posts a comment and there is a stupid bouncing cat instead of emoticons. Im depressed. Im thinking about running away. Im not sure what is wrong. Everything in my life is good. Im not happy. My whole life went haywire for a second a while back there. I havent come down yet. I feel disconnected from myself. I want to go home. I say that like I came from somewhere. Like I belong somewhere and its not true, But I wish it was. I dont belong to anywhere, anyone or anything. I didnt come from a place Id ever like to go back to and I cant see the distance ahead of me. Im sad. Im afraid. I think Im going to buy a plane ticket with money I dont have. And go to some other place. Someplace where I cant see any shards of my life and start over with a new name. A new haircut. A new attitude for my new place. A new everything. They say whereever you go there you are. I wonder if I change my haircolor and my clothes if Ill not recognize myself when I catch up with me. Maybe If I start wearing pearls, thatll help. Maybe If I put on a smile, a line and wear some stupid fucking pearls if Ill feel more like a real woman. I hate these times. I hate them. Maybe I should be a redhead. Or a blonde. No, I like my hair. But still. Maybe If I cover my face so no one can see it Ill feel less naked. Maybe if I cover it no one will see on it what I wish I could hide. Maybe If I run like hell no one will even know Ive gone. Maybe I will. Right after Coachella this weekend.

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Jesus yay!

April 27, 2006 at 12:09 am (Uncategorized)

Oh my God!

Jesus left a comment on my other myspace. Anyone who really knows anything about me will understand why this just made an enormous impact on my day. For those of you who dont get it, I guess it means you dont know me that well and you need to try harder…lol No j/k but seriously that freakin rules.

this day

With as much as I make public about myself on these blogs. There is even more that I dont. There are some things I will never say to anyone but myself. There are some things that I will keep for me. Some things that are no ones business but mine. And I know I say alot. Isnt it funny that no matter how open a person is, youll never really know them.
I write more than anyone. I could write in a steady stream all day. About everything. Myself, you, things, situations. I write and write and I dont get lighter really. It just keeps coming. All the live long day. I wake up and there is a back up. It never stops. Sometimes I get some of it out. But most days I dont have that kind of time. But there are things Ill never tell. Some things Ill never say. And some things I wish I didnt hear in my head. Somethings that no other person would suspect of me. I laugh. Somethings that surprise even me. Somethings I just keep inside. Maybe I should keep more inside. I think Ill start. Right Now.

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Stupid Wednesday

April 26, 2006 at 12:08 am (Uncategorized)

tears

I said a little prayer just now.
for myself.
because today is not working and…well…I didnt know what else to do.
And I need to get that bouncing cat off my blogs. I hate that fucking cat. I dont know how to get rid of it. It needs to be in a pool of its own blood. If anyone knows how to remove it do tell before I kill myself.

-dream a little dream of me

Most nights I dont sleep very well. In fact. I dont sleep all that much at all most nights. I wake up frequently and sometimes its very hard to go back to sleep. Ive tried everything shy of pills to keep myself resting and so far all to no avail. I stay active. I excercise everyday. Even when Ive been sick I walk. I wake up at random times mostly but the one commonality is that everynight I wake up at 3:30am. Everyday. I wonder what that is.
On a side note I just got a friend request from a guy who had photos of President Bush allover his Myspace. Idiot. Kids lucky I dont forward his page to all my mean friends and that I didnt reply with a message bearing photos of little kids missing their body parts in Iraq. Hes lucky I dont post his page link here for my friends to harrass him by. I cant stand our president.

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Out with the old in with the new

April 26, 2006 at 12:00 am (Uncategorized)

My intention for myself and this new chapter of my life is to shed everything that does not serve me. Well I actually do this anyway, but there are some things lingering around that DONT serve me and yet I still participate even if with only a miniscule portion of my attention. And it is this I will let go of. I also have a need to expect higher things for myself. More valuable things. I realized this past weekend that I, in part, havent done this yet because essentially the more you have the more you can loose. But it seems that loss isnt all that horrible. I mean yes, it blows and all but at the same time I think Id rather loose a thing than never have had it. In my case its not the actual loss that I hope to avoid its the feeling about myself with regard to why Im losing it that haunts me. You see, in my mind, whenever Ive lost a thing its been because I am lacking in some way. And in my head that way is never small. In my head the things I lack are so devastating and powerful; so obvious and prevelant. So much a part of how much value I place on myself. So when I lose a thing, I equate it back to that. My horror and grief is so powerful for THAT reason. This doesnt negate how much I would miss the said thing or how much I loved it to begin with but simply the reason for my not accepting anything into my life that I might really want or love. I can deal with emotional pain. Im not afraid of being hurt, wronged, or left. Im afraid of myself and thats the truth. Im afraid of that feeling of inadequacy. Im afraid of experiencing this belief of mine that tells me how worthless, stupid, desperate, ugly, lame, and disgusting I am. THAT is what I run from. THAT, my friends is the thing I need to eradicate. All this time Ive avoided happiness, pursuits, love, wanting, ect., all to not feel that. I wish I knew how to consistently think differently about myself. I mean its funny because on one hand, I like me. I treat myself well most of the time. Yes I have some lingering detrimental behaviors. I have some things that I do that are still abusive to myself. But so do most people. Yes Ive struggled just like MOST people with negative self talk but I didnt realize the impact of the tapes that remain playing or their volume and frequency. I didnt realize that it is those deep core beliefs that can be so much a part of you you dont even notice them. Until you go looking for something else and like a stone you trip over it. Shocked almost, thinking you had dealt with this already, you realize they haunt you still. Hover over your every move and decision. Determining the courses you take. The ooportunities you turn away from. And honestly this just wont do. So Im on a quest to destroy those stupid tapes for good. I am no victim. I will not settle. I will not go backwards. Julie wrote to me a few weeks back. She said something that was so moving to me Ill share it here. “Never take what you want in the moment, in exchange for what you want.” It sounds so simple. But how often do we put aside what we truly want to satisfy a superficial need? Keep a loss at bay? Delay inevitable truths? In my case Ive done this never in an effort to avoid the pain that comes with a loss but to avoid the mental, emotional beating Ill endure at my own hand. I have been in my life my own worst enemy. I hate this. I spend each day trying to practice being good to me. To practice learning how to not seek out fullfillment of my dysfunctional needs but to protect myself from them and resolve the issues behind why I have them. Sometimes this is no easy feat. Sometimes my footing gets wobbly. Sometimes its really hard to proceed when my protection from the outside world is me, the person whos inflicted the most damage. Sometimes I make mistakes. Its hard to learn to trust your worst enemy. Especially when they inadvertently occasionally still do something to hurt you. But I guess its like accepting the faults of another person whom you love. Or maybe it can be compared to that saying “You always hurt the one you love.” Or even better yet, the one you love always hurts you. Its inevitable. Its just the way it is. We accept these flaws in people because we love them and we know no one is perfect. So Ill apply this to myself, and keep trying to erase the people, places and things that do not serve me as I realize them. Keep building my faith in myself so I can tread my path. Its funny because I have this thing that keeps me from being able to stay mad at a person who has wronged me. I can forgive almost anything once Ive taken responsibility for my part. I wonder if its because it simply never feels as bad as what Ive done to myself. So I dont see it as a wrong really. Because it didnt hurt that much comparitively. Hmmm I infer….that one Ill need to pay more attention to.
8:32 AM

and I wonder…
I have prided myself for a very long time on being completely open and non calculating about my life and the course of it. But Im starting to wonder if its time for me to change tactics. I have the ability to be vague, manipulative, coersive and strategic, but I dont like having to think that much really. Theres always something you havent thought of. Always! There is always something you didnt anticipate. But hmmmm I infer…
I have a friend who by way of calculations satisfied all kinds of his more superficial goals. It seems that in a world run on manipulation it is best to employ like tactics. But does it work in relationships? I guess that depends on what you want to get out to them.
But isnt there freedom in just being? Absolutely! And Ive done this. However, I realized tonight; REALLY realized for the first time that there is a time and a place to completely open and a time to be opportunistic. That different settings call for different measures and perhaps its time to put my armour back on so to speak. I feel inspired to test my strengths, my weaknesses, be less vulnerable on purpose. So I think I will. The question for me is how to merge these two extremes?
I want to fear nothing. No reprisal of any kind, I want to live in a world where nothing that is rightfully mine in the Universe can be taken from me. I want to obtain all my accomplishments by way of honesty but at the same time I want to stop being taken. I want to stop being disappointed. I want to stop being a victim of circumstance. So I, essentially, want to be in the game. So I guess Ill have to start playing.
Im not sure how I feel about it. For when one conceals a thing, they fear being found out. When one calculates for gain they fear loss. When one strategizes they loose a part of their truth in the relating to others. And again I infer…
which is better?
Perhaps merely having the ability to do both.
One of the things I hear a lot about myself from others is that theyve not met a person more open. A person with less motive. One of the things they like about me is that they can and do trust me with their vulnerablities. I cherish this gift they give me. So Im in conflict over this new revelation of mine and how to integrate it. Or better yet…where.
I guess for me the key is in controlling my reactions. Not giving away my emotions so freely. In that I mean the clue that they exist. Not the emotions themselves. To not “need” anything to survive. But to know what my needs are and why.

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Quotes that apply…

April 25, 2006 at 9:07 pm (Uncategorized)

“Poverty is not the absence of goods, but rather the overabundance of desire.”

–Plato

Id change that last part to simply “abundance” for my own sake, you can too if it pleases you.

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little ol’ me myself and I

April 25, 2006 at 12:06 am (Uncategorized)

25 Apr 06 Tuesday
little ol’ me, myself and I
Current mood: crazy
my very most favorite person to hang out with. I confess. I confess. Im a huge contradiction. Yes its true. I make no sense most of the time. Because I change my mind with each tick tock of the clock and I will continue on until I drop.
Ive been having a fucking shit month I say. A right shit month. Ive been alone in the house for a very very long time. Ive thought about many things. Ive realized just a few. Ive mulled over past things and those to come. Ive considered my point of reference and how I could improve it. So I do what I always do when I feel blue. I identify the things I like and I give them to me. Cause I like it. I like to get what I want. But my favorite person is me when I give myself presents and a good time. So perhaps I should do it more often. Ive made a list of some things I like so I wont forget and the next time Im blue Ill have it all set.
I like dark chocolate anything, Red Roses. Green tea. Mani/pedi’s, a Massage, Books, Cd’s and Music, Wine, Cheese, Quotes, Lacey underthings, Thrift stores, Nordy’s, Barney’s, Guns, Electronic Gadgets, Indian Food, The Rain, Winning, Drama, Dirt Bikes, Play’s and Musicals (especially really cheesey ones), Paris, London, Beirut and NY, the middle of no where and truck stops, Red Velvet Cupcakes with cream cheese frosting, Frances, The Sound of Running Water, Nice Restaurants and little holes in the wall, Trader Joes’s, Going to the movies/dinner alone, Walking, Epiphanies, Sex with myself, Kissing a person I like, Cadbury Creme eggs, Making my point, Good conversation, Buttered Popcorn flavored Jelly Belly’s…but not real popcorn, blablabla blablabla bla.
Anyhow I gave myself this evening a date. Me, a book and a restaurant alone. It was nice. I enjoyed it very much. I feel better about my flu and my epiphany from this morning. I know something more about myself I forgot to mention though…
Im a pretty fucked up individual its true. But I work on myself conciously everyday. Im always trying to grow. So while I may very well allow some shitty stuff to take place in my life sometimes, I also dont hesitate once Ive realized its not ok to put a swift stop to it. And by swift I mean with out even considering the person involved. So I would caution anyone who considers taking advantage of my fuck up-ness to think carefully about the decision they make. Once its done you can never take it back. Out with the bathwater you will go when I take that next step forward. I like people with integrity. The more I grow the more my associations need to have. I own no permanent shame.
6:38 PM0 Comments0 KudosAdd CommentEditRemove
Hmmmmm Anger from no where or is it? Current mood: crazy Category: Pets and Animals
What the fuck is with the bouncing cats? I dont like bouncing cats on my myspace blogs. Can someone tell me how to get them off?
Anyway, I awoke this morning to the wasted feeling of apathy. I wondered why I felt this way. So I, like I do every day sat down to journal about it for 30 minutes. I tripped over my answer; like you do; when you go looking for something you dont expect to find.
I found seething anger and resentment. I found it behind my apathy and behind my hidden self esteem. I realized I wasnt dropped onto this stupid planet self deprecating. I realized I didnt begin hating myself. I realized there was a time in which I believed I was good. When I believed anything was possible. A time when I believed I was worth more than I do now.
A friend said to me last night a thing that stung. It stung so bad. It did because it was true. It hurt when he said it because it brought up old devastation. It brought up how weak my relationship with myself has been. I began to think about why I am the way he said I was. And as my pain grew so did my resistance to wanting to get to the bottom of it. So in my sleep apathy took the stage until this morning.
I wrote about old relationships. Expectations and the non fulfillment of them. I wrote of how I took it all personally. I took it in like it was all me. All my fault. I wasnt good enough. I wrote about how I felt robbed of the years that followed by these thoughts I had. I felt robbed of my time by my fears. I felt robbed of my years by the things I learned from my mother and they were not my lessons god damnit. They were not mine. I feel robbed by the men Ive loved and the time I wasted on them. I feel angry that I ever could care for people like them. Their selfishness finally in my view. Their inability to love themselves or anyone including me finally inside my vision. How could I let these people take me places I never wanted to go. I wonder desperately what happened to my strength back then. I wonder how I coud have possibly let it happen. Where did my will to live go? What happened to me? How could time so secretly steal the little things that keep a person going? How does is creep so silently into your mind and get out with all that is important to you without you noticing? I hate them. I hate the ticking clock; I hate the souls of the men Ive loved. I hate their eyes floating like dancing bubbles in my memory. I hate them, I hate them all. I want to erase the effects of a heartbreak. I want to kill all the times I allowed a person to take something without paying. To come into my little minimart and walk out without fucking paying. No wonder my heart went out of business. NO FUCKING WONDER. Im so angry, I scream so loud. I feel my glass cage. I feel it and I hate it. Every inch of it. I pound on the walls and scream. I hate it all. I hate I hate I hate I hate. The worst part about this is at some point Ill have to reel in my anger towards them and forgive myself for letting this happen, This will be my biggest feat ever. Im pretty good at letting myself off the hook for shit most of the time. But this one is a doozy. I lost the last 11 years of my life because of the shit Ive let go down. Thats a huge block of time when your 30. FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!
There is something to be said for a man that will see a broken woman and not treat her that way. There is something to be said for a man who upon realizing he could take advantage of a person, wont. Who could take liberties and woudlnt. Ive never met a man like this. EVER.
And at this point I dont care if I ever meet anyone either way. Id rather spend the rest of my life alone that spend one more second waisting my time.
11:12 AM

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My thoughts

April 24, 2006 at 2:06 pm (Uncategorized)

Im not going to be blogging on the Dollmusic site anymore. Ill be using this one strictly for music only and have set up a different site for my blogs to keep them seperate. Ill be setting all new blogs to private so if you want to read them youll have to be on my friends list. I invite everyone to subscribe and hope that you will. I love getting emails, comments and posts from people who get something out of reading my rants.
Thanks so much to everyone who takes the time to read…
So much love

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Im not sure I like this new page

April 24, 2006 at 12:04 am (Uncategorized)

I dont feel very inclined to write on it.
hmmmm this could become a problem. Ive never had writers block before ever in my life. The preponderance of quiescence is squashing my thoughts as I type this. Silence in my mind; its god damn silence up there.
I havent really been interacting with the world much for almost two weeks. Maybe thats the problem. To quote the Kate Goddess, I feel blindly “suspended in gaffa.” Which for those of you who dont know is tape. So in other words… I feel supsended and bound as if by tape right smack in the middle of the course of my life and I can see the time move by but I cant participate in it. Covered in the honey that is thing I love and chokes me. Im not sure what to do about it. Beulah Land are you out there? I think Im gonna implode. In fact for the last 6 hours Ive found myself meandering from task to task, trying hard to absorb the effects of what Im doing only to find I cant feel or hear the experience any more than I can have it. It seems as nothing comes out; nothing goes in. And so it goes Im suspended in gaffa.
So instead of writing profundities Ill just try to describe this viscid feeling.
My mind is pudding, I am sticky thoughts that cover and drown eachother. They all drown. Preserved in the honey matrix inside my head. They lay still. Dormant maybe, hopefully, only but inanimate albeit they are not dead. I hope.

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