My 8 personalities

May 9, 2006 at 12:10 pm (Uncategorized)

I have some distinct personalities. All seperate but at the same time they all make up what you see, what you dont see, and what I deal with everyday. I think everyone has these, maybe most not so in touch with them. Ill name them for you…

The Scather, Little Stacy, Teenage Stacy, The Professor, The Victim, The Woman, The Artist, The Good Son and the The Observer. Today were dealing quite a bit with “Scather” so Ill talk about him for a second.

Hes heinous. A slithering, disgusting, spitting, seething, vulgar, hateful, slimy, being. Hes green like envy and hairless with a long slapping tongue, foul breath and a stench like death; filth in his veins and filth in his mind. His skin like seeweed and just as slimy. He has no manners. He has no taste. He wants to offend at any chance he gets. I like to keep him locked up mostly, he gets me into trouble. But hes got my eyes you know…

Sometimes he’s just gross. Other times hes so hateful. Sometimes when hes challenged he morphs and grows into more like a massive demon covered in black soot, fire in his eyes and a voice that’s a force; wicked and eternal. He is powerful and wrong. He gets really frightening sometimes. Mostly when hes up I tend to emabarrass myself, Say things I dont mean, Offend people, Overindulge in shit I shouldnt, horrifyingly loose my temper, or back in my more reckless teenage days Id get into fights. (So lame.) I try really hard not to come into contact with this side of me because I dont like the results I get. But Ive encountered a problem. Ive not really dealt much with my anger. Ive supressed it but I havent really created an outlet for it. I suspect this is were my problems with my voice are resonating. I have trouble when I catch my angry emotions and say “Oh no, where do you think you are going? Get back in there!!!” So Im troubled. How can I be in control of this Scather and his wrath? After all it is just me… Hmmmm, Ill be thinking on this one for a while. Ive always said one must accept all the parts of themselves good and bad, be ok with it to move forward. I didnt realize I was so in denial. I didnt realize how much I sensor this part of me. Dont share him. I mean, why would I hes disgusting. But its me. And I can be vulgar. I do get angry. I do have hideous thoughts. I dont ususally post them. But they happen all the time. Im stumped I dont know what to do. I fear reprisal. I fear rejection. I fear judgement. I fear being repulsive. I fear scaring people. I fear scaring myself. Again I say hmmmmm. All I need do is turn, aim myself somewhere and open my mouth without serious secret agent censorship and out it comes like uncontrolable vomit. So Ive “psychosomatically” clamped my voice in an effort to kill him and hence I keep giving myself nodes. And hes not dead. God damnit. What a realization. Bummer.

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