My pops

May 9, 2006 at 2:23 am (Uncategorized)

I was thinking about it tonight and as much as I say Im ok with it I really dont want my Dad to die. Im in a bit of a pinch though because I cant bring myself to call him. Im confused about it and I feel really fucked no matter what I do. He’s my old man, I love him; but hes a prick and Im sick of his shit. If I call I have to put up with it all until its over; a time I can not forsee and his presence is abusive to me. If I dont call, when hes gone I’ll hate myself cause I wasnt dutiful. I love my Dad like all daughters do, Its true. I know in there somewhere he loves me too but I hate being his therapist, his advisor, his mother, his friend. Im none of those things. I only his kid thats it, but to him Im more than that. More than I can be to him when hes been getting loaded and acting foolish. He just takes and takes and thinks the world owes him something. I cant make up for it all. No one can and when hes sober he makes my heart sing because I really do need him so. But the rest of the time hes such an asshole. Hes out of the hospital now. But hell be back in soon Im sure of it. He wont stop his using for long if I know him like I think I do. And I do. I miss the couple years I had with him when he was sober and had a job and he would call me and wed laugh and laugh. He wasnt around when I was young too much and I didnt really begin to speak to him until my twenties but for a little while we had a good thing. Everyone says I look just like him. When I look at myself I dont see it. Maybe Im trying not too. I hope I make the right decision.
Good Night


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