No one comes for me; no not yet

May 11, 2006 at 7:12 pm (Uncategorized)

And I say there is a hole in me. One Ive spent my entire life trying to mend. There were times I thought perhaps I had found my missing link, my missing piece, only to find that I had not; instead in its elusive place I stumble upon what makes me take more notice of its absense. The illusion of its possibility.
Many times I seek to find and instead I find nothing. I find nothing that fits. Nothing that feels right. Nothing that eases the emptiness inside me. Nothing that leads me to myself any further than Ive come on my own. And I trust no guide. I recieve no news I dont already know. I receive no gifts after which I chase because I am not challenged by the things I encounter. I am seeking one who is stronger than I. I hope I find them before apathy takes me forever.
In my life there is no one who is stronger than me. No person who knows themself as well. No person who can stand for themselves much less me.
I am a runner this I know. It is the one who can stop me who I am waiting for. The one strong enough to take my wrath and the truths that come with it that I will stay for. I think Ill know it when I see it.
Today I had a interesting day. I long to have a person to tell it to. I long to share something with this person whom I hope is on their way. I had no one to tell about the things I did today. About what happened to me. I have no one who would understand it anyway. So much like all other days I tell it to myself in words on paper. I tell it to invisible faces reading my blogs. I tell it to my reflection in the mirror and I just show the rest of the world the limited version of who I am. Because they dont understand.
I feel alone. I feel restless. I feel like this is the path I chose and I feel lost. I wonder if Ill accomplish my dreams. I wonder if I can. I wonder what it must be like to have anyone care if I do. I wonder what it would be like if I still did. At this point Im left to wonder why I am here and what the hell am I supposed to do. I havent any focus. Ive lost my vision. I know in times like these there is always a light further along. So Ill wait for mine. Ill keep looking too. I just hope it happens real soon.
I see a million little people a day it seems at work. We talk. I listen to them. I offer encouragement to the best of my ability. I see my wonderful friends who mean well and we talk too. I listen. I encourage them as best I can. I see strangers and sometimes I talk to them too. I listen, I tell them what I see and hear just like everyone else when Im so inclined. I wish someone could tell me.
I wish I chose some other cross sometimes. For it seems as though my life is born solely of my own manifestation at all times. What I want I get. What I see happens. What I intend takes its place and time just as I anticipated. What I dont want typically I dont get. Its all very itnricate truth. The more I know the better at it I get. My problem lies in my fleeting energy to go forward anymore. Do I have it? I dont know. Do I want it? Im not sure. Whats my alternative? I dont know that either. Or rather…I dont feel like typing it.

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