problems

May 12, 2006 at 10:20 pm (Uncategorized)

Its official…Im depressed. Im having quite a but of anxiety and I think Im on the brink of a nervous breakdown. I think I may even need to take a visit somewhere. Im getting to be a little out there. Im becoming like one of those weird lonely people who talk to themselves and their imaginary friends. Yep, this is it. Ill have to end it soon.
I think Im addicted to eating. Not food in particular. The act of putting something in my mouth, chewing, then swallowing. Ive noticed lately that I have a terrible time not eating. I eat and then a few hours later I have to eat again. I feel nervous if I dont eat. I feel upset and agitated. I wake up in the middle of the night and I eat. I hate it. I feel like Im a slave to food. Whats funny about it is the type of food I want. Typically cheese, meat, bread; things I can chew on. I think Ive associated stress relief with an oral thing. I hate it, I want to not eat. I hate to eat. I hate that I cant skip meals. I hate that when the internal buzzer goes off its time and thats it. I need some help with this before it gets out of hand. I feel very frustrated that it has become a thing. I plan my meals. I think about what Im going to eat. Sometimes I cant wait to eat. Sometimes I overeat. I hate this. I dont want to have this problem. I hate it. Im not overweight but I dont like my weight. Im not happy with how I look. Im uncomfortable with my tummy. Im uncomfortable with the fact I always need food. I wonder where and how Ive associated eating with relief because this is essentially the problem. Ive got it tied to relief and pleasure. I need relief all the time from what? I need pleasure constantly from there because I dont really get it anywhere else. I resent my body for doing things I dont like. I resent it for looking, acting, and feeling in ways I dont like. What must I have been in my last life? I also notice some shame and embarrassment coming up for this behavior. Hmmmm But how do I alleviate it? How do I let my body get to normal? How can I be in control of this phenomenon without trying to control it? Why do I feel this way? What am I avoiding? How can I continue to exist inside this skin if i hate being in my body? I always feel hot in my mouth. I always feel warm in my skin I dont like this. I feel like I might come out of my skin now. This isnt working. I think Im loosing it. I just cant take his anymore. I just cant.
Im going for a walk.

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