May 15, 2006 at 10:41 am (Uncategorized)

I just…dont know where Im at. I feel really odd today. Im aware of some things that I’ve been refusing to look at for some time, Im practicing some knew things I have needed to for an even longer time. I speculating on some things. Im reflecting on some things. Im feeling some things. Im wondering about some things. Im trying to be proactive about some things and some others Im trying not to deal with right now because it seems my dealing with them dont help the situation. Im trying to relinquish control of those things because I just want to hold on so tight and Im suffocating myself. Im learning to let go and Im practicing not allowing myself suicidal thoughts. This is where I’ve been all week. It takes some kind of effort for me to NOT allow myself to indulge in those thoughts about ending my life. Its like a favorite masochistic pastime of mine and it really puts me in a horrible place that’s incredibly difficult for me to crawl out of. Its weird because I realized that I do this when I get to a place in life where I feel stuck, that I cant go further or do anything more; that my next obstacle is insurmountable so instead of finding a way to overcome it, I create an obstacle I know how to deal with, and that takes a good chunk of my time and life to do, which is crawl back from the dark place I like to send myself when I cant move forward so I dont have to deal with it yet. I have to stop this. Its so counterproductive and scary. I mean seriously one of these times Ill actually do it, then where will I be? Fucked! Ill be dead. Then Ill have to start all over and to be honest with you I dont think I could handle another run through the teens. I need to create some breathing room for myself. I need to create a space to expand. I need to try to emerge from my center and unite the parts of me that are not in synch. I need to relax in order to do this. I mean relax so I can gather my strength and wits so I can actually move forward instead of sideways all the time. The things Im so focused on require inspiration not overtime. They need cultivation not force. They need freedom to move not control. They need guidance not dictation. My dreams. My dreams that have become so resistant to me and so elusive. My wants and needs which have followed suit, howl at me in the night from distant places I can not see or find. All that keeps me going now is that I know we reside under the same moon, we…are not in separate worlds, so I know it is possible to meet them. I just have no idea how to do it. So this week instead of trying to feel familiar and put myself behind an obstacle labeled suicidal depression Ill just stand here in the not knowing and try to keep my feet on the ground. Im really gonna try to listen to myself about this while I take baby steps forward and wait for the answer I really desperately need. I dont want to fail. This is my fear. That I might…not make it. That I may have to settle for a lesser life, that I would maybe give up and, It scares the hell out of me. I get resentful that I have no one in my life to offer encouragement but me, (me, who is not the best at this I dont think). I feel angry and petulant sometimes that I have no mentor; no one to look up to; no one reminding me that I can do it and to stay focused. No one ever to make me feel like they care or that it is important what I do. But I realize that most people dont have this and I need to get over it and be that for myself. I want out from underneath this blanket of self pity and the weight of it which strangles me. Its hard not to rest on my laurels or make excuses for my shortcomings because my life was shitty. And while it may have been, and…it was…it makes no sense to let the rest of it be shitty. Im just confused and lost and I want to do the right thing for myself. Do right by myself. Sometimes I have to learn the basics. I hate having to start at the basics. Oh well. If I must I must. It humbling for me to admit that I do where my life as the chip on my shoulder. I like to think Im so past that but Im not. I say, “I cant because look what happened to me” way more often than is comfortable for me to admit. Its humiliating but its true and I need to face it if I want to stop. Instead of smoking/drinking/sex/ or eating cookies I need to sit in it and let it process itself. Its uncomfortable. Its uncomfortable to let go of my excuse it protects me from the fear of a challenge. It keeps me sitting pretty with a table full of shit I hate about myself but at least I dont have to wonder what might happen. I know the results of all that stuff already. If I overeat Ill get fat and Ill have something to work towards that’s easier for me, ie weight loss. If I smoke I know I have to work towards quitting and which is so trying that I cant focus on anything else until I conquer that which takes years by the way. If I sleep with everyone Im so out of my mind that I cant think about anything or care either. If I get drunk then Ill can pretend I dont care. Its all in the name of avoidance, and to be truthful Im not entirely sure of all the things Im avoiding. I mean I know the tip of many of them but most of its so buried I have no freakin clue what it is. So anyway… Here we go on another journey through the insides. I hope this time I emerge more productive than I’ve been.
Wish me luck.


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