Prayers on Fire

May 7, 2006 at 4:35 pm (Uncategorized)

So Jesus said to
Love thy neighbor and I did
I found here in my burning love
the seed from which it grows
when I love thy neighbor
I take it off
Stuff it in your shirt
and throw it up
the fucking splinters the fucking splinters
and he said
thou shall not kill but
I kill myself everyday and you
everytime my seed does grow
when I kill you killing me
and I burn it off
and shove it into you
I srcream like it hurts like I feel something
Youll fucking take it youll fucking take it
and Jesus said a lot of things
he said them in my ear
he told me all I had to know
he told me loud and clear
he said youve got some thorny love girl
and what youve got to give
isnt just for everyone
its only just for him
and I say LOVE
What is this LOVE
what is it for
I tear it off
I shred it too
choke you with it; all Ive got
I hate it I hate you

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running as a life force

May 6, 2006 at 12:13 am (Uncategorized)

I need to get out of here before I flip

Looking at flights and the Goodwill donation center, then peeling myself off my inclination to run…
Im really struggling to blog these days. I just cant. I have things that are on my mind and I cant articulate them. There are things I want to say and I cant say them. There are moments slipping through my fingers and I cant grab on, I cant touch them. There are people I want to inhale and I cant bring myself to breathe. There is so much in process in my head I cant stop with the nervousness.
Im turning my back on everything in my life that has come to pass. Im leaving it for the trashman and going on my way. Im finished and Ill be acting accordingly. My seconds are spent counted. My minutes costing me more and more with each second I stall on what it is that calls to me. A person said to me that, and I quote “well you know…, Its cause youre not pursuing anything BIG.”
And I silently not violently protest with my intentions in my hands and say to myself…Just keep walking Stacy, Just keep walking….

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Jason Lance Young

May 2, 2006 at 12:12 am (Uncategorized)

I woke up today thinking about my cousin and missing him. Im not sure why. Maybe I dreamt about him. But I could almost feel him next to me as I brushed my teeth and succumbed to the urge to stop and cry about it. I loved that boy. He was a person I cared for deeply. Its been almost 15 years since his suicide and not a day goes by that I dont reminisce about him at least once. Its become so much easier than it used to be and less frequent but hes there, in my thoughts all the time. The thing thats gone and caught me about it is the seemingly ungrieved emotions that have surfaced today. Or maybe its just simply that a person once in your heart never gets out. Maybe there are some things time doesnt heal you just get used to the pain and it becomes a part of who you are. I dont know why it hurts today more than usual. I dont care really either. Ill just ride it out and hope hes well and proud of me. I loved him so much. I miss my Jason. hell never know….

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Why must I have a subject

May 1, 2006 at 10:18 pm (Uncategorized)

What of love
What of hate
what of the moments when you determine my fate
its pointless symmetry
when Im gonna run
And I’ll run fast, and far away
cause you frighten me
with that face
and your love
like grace
all rise
my demons
all rise
take it away
from me
its everything
I thought it would be
and still not enough
to keep me
I see-> Somewhere Id rather be-> They say alone-> Isnt where you find it but-> Im gonna run-> Anyway
Cause you frighten me
with that face
and your love
like grace
all rise
my demons
all rise
take it away
from me

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Coachella

May 1, 2006 at 10:35 am (Uncategorized)

First Ill start by saying I hate a tan. I have one now. I look like I stepped out of a tepee. All I need is a cowhide dress and some moccasins and Itll be like I never left the village.

Im gonna make this brief because Im exhausted, sunburnt and I have to get up in the morning but…Music is awesome. A few favorite bands all in the same place even more awesome. Camping…awesome. Camping with a fav buddy…awesome. Camping with a fav buddy in the middle of the desert in really really hot heat and weird people all around that come sit at your tent and wont leave…Fucking blows. Port-o-podies…fucking blow!!! Sunburns…yep… they blow.

Anyhow, Coachella is fun. We had a blast. There was a little lameness but for the most part I loved it. I got to see some bands that I really liked and a few of them were sooooo fucking rad I cant stand it. Matisyahu, Sigur Ros, and Stellastar I must say stand out as three of the most amazing bands to see live. I wish I had words to depict how amazing these three performances were. I also got to see a few others that I really like normally but werent so fab live and so I wont mention them. I DID NOT stay to watch Madonna but yes, I have to confess I watched Kanye West I couldnt help myself. I danced in the DJ tent for hours in the middle of the day, I took a shower in a portable shower thingy, which by the way has really hot water and better water pressure than my house oddly enough. I had frozen lemonade, I ate cheese, I observed freaky people;pointed and laughed, ran into a few friends and took a 45 minute nap outside, under a tarp at the concert with about 50 strangers around me doing the same thing. Yep, definitely an experience it was. Would I do it again? hmmmm it depends on how long it takes my post burn tan to fade. I hate a tan. I look stupid with one. Whatever. Im gonna try to pretend its not there.

Anyway I encourage everyone to check out those three bands theyre awesome. Im off to sleep.

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Music (*this is a post from my old site)

April 28, 2006 at 7:20 am (Uncategorized)

Im currently working on the music that will be posted on this site. Its coming along but isnt done yet and will hopefully be finished and I can upload the clips by the end of May. Im having perfection problems. Maybe someone can offer some advice.

By the way I found out about the Proprietorship Clause in the Myspace terms and agreements yesterday which basically says anything EVER posted on the Myspace can be used by Myspace and its affiliates for whatever they want and they can license it without your permission. Use it, change it, sell it without turning over any credits. I was advised to only upload clips, short sound bites of my music; create a separate website and post a link to that to protect against this ever happening. Just thought I’d share. This also applies to anything written, art, photos, movies, ect. So just be careful people. I mean this database is huge so the likelihood of you finding your shit ripped off by the owners is slim I think but, The Myspace I believe is owned by Fox now and I wouldnt be surprised if their department in charge of finding music for TV shows, and other broadcasts werent scouting for material to use for cheap or better yet… for nothing. So anyway just thought Id share and have a great day.

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Morning Blues

April 28, 2006 at 12:11 am (Uncategorized)

Fighting a little black and blueness I picked up late last night. How does it happen these little wounds? How does it feel?
It feels like shit. And thats the fucking truth.
I find that my acceptance of things in a said situation will speed up the more I expose myself to the truth about it. So thats what Im attempting to do. But it freaking stings sometimes, its true. I worry a little about my being masochistic but I worry more about my deluding myself so I try as I might, I try yes I do, to slap myself with reality and spare my little me inside any more heartache. But this god damn reality bites and it bites hard, draws blood really;Leaves a mark God Damnit, and today its my self esteem that suffers. Today I find that in my comparison of myself to the nemesis in my life right now I come up short in my own eyes. I come up not quite good enough. I come up lacking in several ways and this my friends is NOT acceptable. This venus isnt better than me. She’s just not, but the fact that I think Im missing something can do one of two things to my little head. It can inspire me to strive for more, or it can brow beat me into submission. Well the decision is mine I know. Its easy for me to run and hide and Ive decided to take the challenge instead of retreating into my abyss but its hard to not take those judgements in and turn them into negative self talk. Its hard. What I need to do is exstensive. I have an ENORMOUS amount of self doubt to overcome. Itll take a lot of work. Some of which I dont really want to have to do. Some of which Im scared I cant overcome. I want to be up for it. And Ive been dallying around for too long now. I feel like I need some encouragement. Someone to tell me I can do it. That I can succeed and prove to myself I got out of the trailer. Im looking for my courage like you try to see crumbs in the carpet. I know its there but I just cant fucking see it. I feel like I havent seen it in a long time. They hurt these thoughts of mine. They do damage. After a while they’ll keep you from ever trying ever again. I dont want this. But when I analyze what I do want, the goal seems almost unreal. A fantasy that I cannot attain. I want to believe I can do/be/have anything I want. And I do in part but there is that evil little voice that screams Im whimsical, that Im never gonna make it, that Im not worth it, that I dont have the skills, the guts, the strength, or the endurance to get there, that no one will ever love me back and that my other dreams are for the worthy not for me. I hate that fucking little voice, I think Im gonna murder it. I fucking hate it. Its so stupid. What the hell is that anyway? Is it fear? Is it my Id or Superego? Is it my other personality… what the hell? I want to flog it. But that damn thing is so elusive. Most of the time its appeared, said its piece, beat the shit out of me, and retreated back into my subconcious LONG before Ive even noticed its been here. Fucking bitch. I hate that. Whatever, I just realized Im late for work shit. Im off to Coachella this weekend so Ill resume this little saga next week.

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days like this

April 27, 2006 at 7:35 pm (Uncategorized)

I miss blogging on this site. My other one doesnt show me when someone posts a comment and there is a stupid bouncing cat instead of emoticons. Im depressed. Im thinking about running away. Im not sure what is wrong. Everything in my life is good. Im not happy. My whole life went haywire for a second a while back there. I havent come down yet. I feel disconnected from myself. I want to go home. I say that like I came from somewhere. Like I belong somewhere and its not true, But I wish it was. I dont belong to anywhere, anyone or anything. I didnt come from a place Id ever like to go back to and I cant see the distance ahead of me. Im sad. Im afraid. I think Im going to buy a plane ticket with money I dont have. And go to some other place. Someplace where I cant see any shards of my life and start over with a new name. A new haircut. A new attitude for my new place. A new everything. They say whereever you go there you are. I wonder if I change my haircolor and my clothes if Ill not recognize myself when I catch up with me. Maybe If I start wearing pearls, thatll help. Maybe If I put on a smile, a line and wear some stupid fucking pearls if Ill feel more like a real woman. I hate these times. I hate them. Maybe I should be a redhead. Or a blonde. No, I like my hair. But still. Maybe If I cover my face so no one can see it Ill feel less naked. Maybe if I cover it no one will see on it what I wish I could hide. Maybe If I run like hell no one will even know Ive gone. Maybe I will. Right after Coachella this weekend.

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Jesus yay!

April 27, 2006 at 12:09 am (Uncategorized)

Oh my God!

Jesus left a comment on my other myspace. Anyone who really knows anything about me will understand why this just made an enormous impact on my day. For those of you who dont get it, I guess it means you dont know me that well and you need to try harder…lol No j/k but seriously that freakin rules.

this day

With as much as I make public about myself on these blogs. There is even more that I dont. There are some things I will never say to anyone but myself. There are some things that I will keep for me. Some things that are no ones business but mine. And I know I say alot. Isnt it funny that no matter how open a person is, youll never really know them.
I write more than anyone. I could write in a steady stream all day. About everything. Myself, you, things, situations. I write and write and I dont get lighter really. It just keeps coming. All the live long day. I wake up and there is a back up. It never stops. Sometimes I get some of it out. But most days I dont have that kind of time. But there are things Ill never tell. Some things Ill never say. And some things I wish I didnt hear in my head. Somethings that no other person would suspect of me. I laugh. Somethings that surprise even me. Somethings I just keep inside. Maybe I should keep more inside. I think Ill start. Right Now.

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Stupid Wednesday

April 26, 2006 at 12:08 am (Uncategorized)

tears

I said a little prayer just now.
for myself.
because today is not working and…well…I didnt know what else to do.
And I need to get that bouncing cat off my blogs. I hate that fucking cat. I dont know how to get rid of it. It needs to be in a pool of its own blood. If anyone knows how to remove it do tell before I kill myself.

-dream a little dream of me

Most nights I dont sleep very well. In fact. I dont sleep all that much at all most nights. I wake up frequently and sometimes its very hard to go back to sleep. Ive tried everything shy of pills to keep myself resting and so far all to no avail. I stay active. I excercise everyday. Even when Ive been sick I walk. I wake up at random times mostly but the one commonality is that everynight I wake up at 3:30am. Everyday. I wonder what that is.
On a side note I just got a friend request from a guy who had photos of President Bush allover his Myspace. Idiot. Kids lucky I dont forward his page to all my mean friends and that I didnt reply with a message bearing photos of little kids missing their body parts in Iraq. Hes lucky I dont post his page link here for my friends to harrass him by. I cant stand our president.

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